A ControverSHIL Confession

The last time I was in a relationship was with Christoph, seven years ago.  He was the average guy next door that many wouldn’t even look twice at.  I made that mistake when I first met him thinking that lunch outings would be harmless.  The more we went out, the bigger the knots in my stomach grew.  That’s when I knew I wasn’t just a sexpot vixen trying to have my next big orgasm; I actually had the ability to become emotionally connected with someone.  

The thought is mind blowing right?  I realize that emotional connections are normal for most, but not something I’m used to since I only ever play off the physical attraction I have with someone.  But I’m not devoid of emotions, and in fact, I think I’m actually insatiable.  And instead of being only halfway satisfied emotionally, I tread on being 100% satisfied physically to avoid the danger of someone coming up short and focus my emotions on other shit (See:  boxing, dancing, volunteering, mindless sex).

Since Christoph and I broke up, that weird stomach knot anxiety hasn’t hit me often.  Sometimes I’d think about Toby and it would slightly hit.  Or a tad with Rick two years ago, where I actually stalked him to drop off a Valentine’s Day card, on Valentine’s Day (Actual poem I wrote in the card:  “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Let’s get a Drink, So I can get to Know You”, complete with phone number). 

But what happens if the emotional connections are inevitable?  I slept with this guy last spring that I thought I was getting emotionally connected to.  In the end, I suspect I was wrong, but he didn’t share the sentiment so we went our separate ways (and to clear my mind of the bullshit, I went on a full on fuck fest that summer, good times).

For me emotional attraction is dangerous because it’s like heroin.  Don’t do it, and no one gets hurt.  Because just like heroin, if you do it the after effects are sick.  I’d end up doing two a days with my therapist. 

I was never good at expressing myself emotionally.  I’m always upfront if I think you are attractive, being an asshole, if your tits are out, etc.  But I have a hard time telling a guy that he genuinely makes me laugh.  That I enjoy his company.  That I ultimately want to spend more time with him.  That I am willing to go straight for him.  That I don’t want to sleep with him right away.  That he gives me weird knots in my stomach. 

…that it’s been seven years since I’ve felt this way.

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Some things are better left to Pavlov. 

Porn Plug

One of my best friends went out with this douchebag who told her told her wanted to have an open relationship and then proceeded to ask her if he could meet her friends.  I feel like you can get away of that shit if you are hot (which still isn’t acceptable), but this dude couldn’t even get a cute from me. 

Open relationships are great.  I think that’s the way all couples should function.  It’s the safest way to commit (does that make sense).  But frankly, if you are going to have an open relationship with me; you better know that it won’t be with my friends (unless you have been deemed community property which is another post I won’t go into tonight).

I could launch into a tirade about how this douche is pretty low on the evolutionary ladder and how his dick is half the size of my thumb.  Instead, let’s talk about porn.  I’m not going to go into the history of porn (which if you are really interested in, HBO provides a great overview in their Real Sex series).  I think what most are wondering is whether it is appropriate or not.

The truth is that it is.  Single, engaged, or married, watching someone else have a sexual tryst is not just exciting; it’s kind of a societal taboo.  Again, I could launch into how this is bullshit, but we’re not talking about that.

I especially hate when females get angry because their significant other or even some random dude watches porn.  It’s a fucking hobby.  It’s like getting angry for watching some cheese TV show like Psych (which by the way is the best show ever).  I know some of it has to do with jealousy and insecurity, but most of it has to do with the societal taboo and acts associated with watching it. 

I know plenty of guys and girls who watch porn.  Some watch it to get off, most just for the mere allure of watching someone else get off.  Others to get ideas.  A small percentage watch for the art of it.  I watch for all.

Males who watch are not physically cheating on their mates, nor are they emotionally cheating on them.  It’s fiction and fun.  It’s natural sex (okay the stuff with the anal beads are a little unnatural, but still).  I want to open this up to the females who have an innate, unfounded hatred of porn.  What’s the big deal?