A ControverSHIL Confession

The last time I was in a relationship was with Christoph, seven years ago.  He was the average guy next door that many wouldn’t even look twice at.  I made that mistake when I first met him thinking that lunch outings would be harmless.  The more we went out, the bigger the knots in my stomach grew.  That’s when I knew I wasn’t just a sexpot vixen trying to have my next big orgasm; I actually had the ability to become emotionally connected with someone.  

The thought is mind blowing right?  I realize that emotional connections are normal for most, but not something I’m used to since I only ever play off the physical attraction I have with someone.  But I’m not devoid of emotions, and in fact, I think I’m actually insatiable.  And instead of being only halfway satisfied emotionally, I tread on being 100% satisfied physically to avoid the danger of someone coming up short and focus my emotions on other shit (See:  boxing, dancing, volunteering, mindless sex).

Since Christoph and I broke up, that weird stomach knot anxiety hasn’t hit me often.  Sometimes I’d think about Toby and it would slightly hit.  Or a tad with Rick two years ago, where I actually stalked him to drop off a Valentine’s Day card, on Valentine’s Day (Actual poem I wrote in the card:  “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Let’s get a Drink, So I can get to Know You”, complete with phone number). 

But what happens if the emotional connections are inevitable?  I slept with this guy last spring that I thought I was getting emotionally connected to.  In the end, I suspect I was wrong, but he didn’t share the sentiment so we went our separate ways (and to clear my mind of the bullshit, I went on a full on fuck fest that summer, good times).

For me emotional attraction is dangerous because it’s like heroin.  Don’t do it, and no one gets hurt.  Because just like heroin, if you do it the after effects are sick.  I’d end up doing two a days with my therapist. 

I was never good at expressing myself emotionally.  I’m always upfront if I think you are attractive, being an asshole, if your tits are out, etc.  But I have a hard time telling a guy that he genuinely makes me laugh.  That I enjoy his company.  That I ultimately want to spend more time with him.  That I am willing to go straight for him.  That I don’t want to sleep with him right away.  That he gives me weird knots in my stomach. 

…that it’s been seven years since I’ve felt this way.