Head Games - **Guest Blogger**

**while I'm not one to enjoy cunnilingus, I'm likely in the minority, please enjoy a piece submitted to @controvershiL from @PatakhaKuri** 

For the longest time, I was a 'giver' in bed.  I mastered the art of going down on a guy, giving blow jobs that would blow the minds of guys away (modest, I know).  But I was uncomfortable with the idea of a guy going down on me.  I’d want to please my partner so he’d know that I’d be even better in bed.  The thought of a guy “eating me” and then having to kiss him after was just gross. 

After speaking with some of my friends, I found that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.  They, too, agreed that it was a little “gross”.  On the other hand, however, guy friends have hardly ever said anything negative about going down on a girl.  In fact, most of the guys I’ve slept with have all wanted to go down on me, some even before I sucked them off. 

So then a few years ago, I was dating this guy.  He planned this sexy, racy night for us (see:  red satin sheets, wine, dirty play list, etc).  After being wined out drunk, my inhibitions lowered and I let him go down on me.  And for the first time, OH.  MY.  GOD.  I decided then that if you are sexually active, and haven’t had a guy go down on you, you are missing out.  I know that there are several girls out there who, like me, are uncomfortable with the idea of it, but the truth is, once your guy starts licking those lips, your brain, won’t even work. 

While it took me a while to get used to it, I fully embrace cunnilingus.  I always advise my girlfriends that we have to love ourselves, our bodies, and especially our vaginas.  If we can stay comfortable with ourselves, our male counterparts will too.  We simply need to get over our fears and plunge in.  And if you need additional convincing, the orgasms (yes plural) are phenomenal!

Jeal?

I’m not even going to lie when I say I’m one psycho bitch.  I can tear someone up just by pulling a silent shutdown (something I learned from my less psycho mother).  At 27, I got kicked out of a club for punching a girl at my best friend’s birthday.  At 28, I started anger management, and at 29, I have been known to socially murder anyone who does anything that rubs me the wrong way. 

The problem with me is that while it doesn’t take a lot to get me angry, I have a hard time getting jealous and haven’t really been known as the psycho jealous chick.  After writing papers upon papers about jealousy in graduate school and understanding the intrinsic value of it, I realized that while it may be justified, I haven’t been blessed with the “jealousy gene” which furthers my belief that I’m being evolutionarily weeded out.

Whether you are a female or a male, and you say that you don’t get jealous, you are either lying (which is usually the case) or you really lack the gene and weren’t meant to procreate, let alone be in a relationship.

So when a friend of mine asked me if I would be jealous of the future Mr. ControvershiL (I can’t even type that without laughing out loud) speaking with, flirting with, hanging out with other females, I was inclined to say “yes” for fear of being judged.  But I said no, and watched her judge me instead as a liar, which is fine. 

 The down and dirty is the whole idea of cuckoldry, right, so males don’t want their females to copulate with another male for fear of uncertainty of their kin, while women don’t want their males to copulate with another female for fear of resources being expended elsewhere.  Genetic superiority, yada yada yada. 

Back to being a psycho jealous, I think in the end, there is probably a healthy dose of jealousy one can maintain while still being able to maintain a strong relationship.  In fact, I am inclined to believe that a relationship can’t survive without jealousy.  I mean imagine being in a relationship where your counterpart could give a shit what you did (actually after typing that out, I realized that might actually be the perfect relationship for me), but seriously.

I’d like to pose this question out to my readers (who seem to enjoy responding on twitter, which is fine, do what you will, assholes).  Do you get jealous?  If not, are you lying to yourself or are you being genetically weeded out?  If so, how do you deal with it especially if you are in a relationship?  Do you get irrationally angry/agitated/etc?

Off topic, it’s been 3 months since I’ve gotten any and I’ve come to terms with it.  Because the next time I get it in, you better believe it will be good with something for me to write about.

Dedicated to all my jealous bitches (including the jealous dudes who act like bitches).

I'm Not Trying to Get Married

I’m not trying to get married.  Biologically, it’s not natural to be tied down to one person so I can’t even take marriage seriously.   Even as I’m invited to be a bridesmaid to random weddings overseas, I can barely fake my enthusiasm.  I won’t even apologize, since it’s bullshit.  Marriage is bullshit. 

I know that most of you reading this are now thinking that I’m bullshit, and you aren’t too far off.  You are probably thinking that I just haven’t found the right person, and again, you are probably right, but I’m too cynical to care.

This got me thinking about my married friends.  I wonder if they are happy, faking happy, or miserable.  I’m actually inclined to think the latter simply based on science and reason, and the emails upon emails I receive of both males and females unhappily married.  And I sure I’m only hearing one side of the story, but I can’t help but be biased after reading some of your letters.

And instead of being an asshole and just outright saying you should leave your significant others, I’m actually going to offer some general advice on how to attempt to make this work (if that is really what you want). 

If you read my work, and you know me, you know that I’ll tell you how it is.  And that is how it should work with any type of relationship.  Communication.  If you can’t communicate with someone, whether it’s a friend or someone more than a friend, then it’s clear you aren’t meant to be.  I hate to say it, but its true.  Yeah, you are going to say that it is easier said than done, and that’s true.  But if you can’t man up to communicate what the problem is, then you can’t complain about the issue.

And further more, if you can’t communicate pre-marriage, then what the hell are you even thinking?  Walking on eggshells your entire life is bullshit and that’s what I’m hearing in your letters.  It’s not going to get you anywhere and you will end up in more than resentment.

It gets me thinking about this whole arranged marriage fad.  Is it because of society or is there really something to it?  My parents were semi-arranged and they are almost 30 years strong.  No walking on eggshells, communication on point.   Comparing them to some of my married friends, I’d have to say that I’m actually more in favor of an arranged marriage over those who actually do it willingly. 

I commend my married friends who are “happily married” and subsequently have healthy sex lives and have kids and are STILL happy.  

End rant.

What are your thoughts? 

Dedicated to my married friends.  One pair in particular.  They know.  They’re assholes.