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Scheduling issues?  It may not always be a schedule. 

Cheat On Her With Me.

If you are insecure, you are being evolutionarily weeded out.  So ladies (and dudes), if you are playing those foolish jealous asshole games, stop it.  I’m really tired of hearing about it from you even more tired boyfriends.  Also I’m tired of hooking up with them just because they are getting bored with you and your idiotic shenanigans. 

So this guy I’m hooking up with tells me about his girlfriend who is the most insecure piece of crap I’ve ever heard of.  Usually, I feel bad for the girlfriends of the dudes I hook up with (no really, I do), but this chick, took the cake.  She was one of those females who take the good away from the term “psycho”. 

I can’t stand that this guy is such a pansy that he can’t just stand up to his girlfriend and tell her what the issue is.  Clearly I’m not any kind of standard that he wants in his life, with the exception of the sexual satisfaction, so he’s not trying to be with me (thank god).  But then what the hell?

I have sex-ed this kid blind and he’s still coming back complaining about this girl (almost said bitch) he’s with.  I stay trying to convince him to break up with her because it’s clear she can’t satisfy his needs and for some reason he says he “loves her” and yet…his dick is in me.  Bro.

If you are in a situation where you need to seek someone else to sexually satisfy for yourself, then it’s clear that you are not compatible.  So end it now before it gets bad for you both of you.  Am I wrong?  No honestly, I’m so tired of telling people that you need to be both emotionally and sexually satisfied in a relationship for it to work.  Show me one relationship, where only one of those makes it work.  You can’t. 

So, I mean, I hate to be redundant, but drop your insecure partners.  They aren’t worth the trouble since you’ll probably cheat on them anyway.  And I’m saying “partners” because this can go either way.  Girls and guys are susceptible to cheating on their mates to get what they need from someone else. 

Okay anyway, so while this guy’s girl is out of town, I’m going to do him.  See you fools later.   

Chelsea Pill Parties

So a few weeks ago, I went to an old co-workers sexy party in Chelsea where I suspect I enjoyed a round or two of something and a glass of red.  While my old colleagues were snorting coke off the glass table on the 2^nd floor, I decided to join the impromptu strip poker game starting downstairs.  This is where I met Sam.

Sam was a friend of a friend at the party and was likely the most sober one there.  I wasn’t really attracted to him at the time.  In fact, I thought he was kind of a snob.  He didn’t really talk to anyone, and clearly thought playing strip poker was above him.  Come on bro.

Eventually, I ended up in my bra, but no one cared on account of my size negative A chest and the girl across from me who lost her bra and some dude who thought it would be okay to wear tighty whities to a pill party in Chelsea.  Whatever.  At least I had a good reason to walk around the party in my bra.  Thoroughly imbibed, I ended up on the couch talking to Sam. 

He had good conversation.  He does some financial yawn stuff down on Wall Street.  I enjoyed another glass of wine and decided that it was time to go home.  I gave Sam my number and told him to call me.  About 15 minutes later, I got a text from him asking if I wanted company.  I didn’t really want company, but it was early, and I didn’t mind having some tame dude over to watch me wash my dishes before bed.

So he comes over.  True to form, I washed my dishes while we watched some stupid comedy crap on TV.  I offered him a beer, which he happily indulged in (quick thank you to PP who is the only reason I have beer in my fridge).  I mean, after I washed my dishes, it wasn’t long before we were making out, and not too long after that in my bedroom.

So whatever, I have someone new that I’m sleeping with.  I don’t have any real problems with Sam except that while the sex is pretty great, I’m not that attracted to him.  The reason that I’m bringing this up is because while I can have had multiple mind blowing orgasms with this guy, I am not at all fully satisfied because I’m not fully attracted to him.

We don’t have much in common.  He’s conservative; I’m not (if that wasn’t obvious).  He doesn’t have much of a sense of humor in that he can’t make me laugh.  I’m not even that physically attracted to him.  I guess the real problem is that I’m too superficial to just keep this guy on tap.  I also think that I’ve been in somewhat of a drought so perhaps I just needed any old lay. 

I wanted to talk about this because despite having a sexual chemistry with someone, physical attraction includes both sexual and natural attraction.  If you don’t find a partner’s face, body, and figure attractive, then that’s only half of the attraction.  It’s that much harder to find someone you are compatible with.  And that much harder to find a permanent mate. 

In any event, my new flavor of the month is the shaggy haired emo white boys you see at top man.  If you have any that also offer mind-blowing sex, I’ll throw this Sam guy to the curve.  Without thought.

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Flirt or bust!

Suck Me Off, Assholes

What is with musicians being really hot?  I’ve been managing this pretty awesome band, and it blew my mind how good looking all the band members got after they picked up an instrument (I mean, that’s not to say they were bad looking in the first place, but you know).  I didn’t meet anyone substantial at the concert my band played at on Wednesday, but my assholes won 2^nd place, and frankly that got me off well enough.

Whatever, I probably would have taken half those bands home, and about all those chicks.  Musicians are so fucking boss, I can’t even begin to describe.  Sure I’ve had the opportunity to do a musician here and there, but there’s certainly a difference between a mainstream hip-hop artist and a rock star earring-wielding punk. 

As usual, there is no reason for me to speak about my band's success with the exception that they fucking rocked at the concert this week.  So I’ll just dive into cunninglingus (no pun intended).  I mean, as you probably know, this isn’t something that I’m really into, but I’ve gotten several requests to write about it, I'll give it a shot.

Biologically, in this day and age, it makes sense that females would prefer this method of pleasure given the extreme LOW risk of being impregnated (I mean, depending how you do it).  Whatever, I’m over trying to avoid receiving oral sex.  If a dude wants to do it, fine, but I STILL haven’t found that perfect flick of the tongue to keep me coming back for more.

So I reached out to my asshole friends who either A. lick pussy or B.  have their pussy licked and have a few tips that might help the future licker of my pussy to do a good job.  Personally, if a guy throws a wintergreen altoid in his mouth and takes his time, I’m fine (I mean as long as I’m penetrated and the guy knows how to throw down, cue rock star in my bedroom).  But besides the menthol feeling, there are several little known tips on getting a female off with your tongue.

First and foremost, always take your time.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll speak for MOST women (present company excluded), that a girl likes to be teased.  She doesn’t need to finish when you are going down on her, just take it easy and get her in the mood before you hit it with the big guns.  Trust me, once you get the girl going, it will be more fun for the both of you once you actually have sex with her.

Okay, so you just want her to finish.  Again, do NOT rush it (and this is not just my advice, plenty of my colleagues offer this advice as well).  Take your time, and pull out a gimmick (side story:  Speaking of gimmicks, when my band played on Wednesday, I spent about a minute half way through the concern wondering if we needed a gimmick.  We did NOT need one.  ROCK ON!).  Okay, so pull out a gimmick.  Use the altoids.  Or, use an ice cube.  Or sip some tea.  The mix between hot and cold is pretty awesome.  And you know what, I’ve heard this tip before and didn’t believe it, but I’ve had it tried on me and it works with nipples too, so I give it the CS approval.

Don’t act like your tongue is taking the place of a penis or a dildo.  It isn’t.  It is its own tool and has its own sensations.  No jabbing, stabbing, none of that shit.  And don’t do anything she doesn’t want to do.  Some girls like their ass played with.  Some girls like finger play.  Communication is huge, and if you can’t have a conversation with a girl you are fooling around with, stop thinking with your other head and move on.  There are plenty of females out there into kinky stuff they can communicate within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.  Trust me. 

Since this isn’t something I’m totally well versed in (shocking, I know), I urge my readers to leave tips on what really gets them off.  Orally…. or otherwise.  Thanks peach heads.    

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I do this religiously....

Salty Balls

So, has anyone read Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis?  If you haven’t, read it.  That book defines how my perfect week would pan out.  The main character, Michael McGill, is an unforgettable character who journeys through America to retrieve some sci-fi government document said to cause mass destruction. 

Enough about the book since I can’t review a book for shit.  The part I want to fast forward to is the portion of the book where Michael ends up learning about testicular saline injection (TSI).  I’m not exactly sure why this jumped out at me and buried itself deep in the confines of my fucked up mind, but I was hooked.

The short description of TSI is as follows:  men inject their scrotum with saline, inflating them to the size of a beach ball.  The saline then drains into the shaft causing an erection. I mean, that’s what they say happens.  I have yet to see it or even talk to someone who has tried it.  So I googled it and low and behold, there it was.  Also known as scrotal inflation, TSI is known as “extreme water play”.  Which is fine by me, but then that begs the question, what is known as regular water play?  The down and dirty research I did on the topic resulted in couples showering and golden showers.  Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary to me.  I asked around, and many were also pretty surprised to hear about TSI and the like.

If you read the book, Michael McGill has a female sidekick who could be a slightly more psycho version of me.  She was pretty into the TSI which threw me off because what could she get out of it besides a dick in for 7-hours.  Reading on, this chick actually participated and once again, my mind was blown.

Females are able to participate in this phenomenon as well.    The female version is known as outer labia saline injection and operates in the same way.  Females inject saline in their outer labia, which then drains into their clitoris.  This results in what I like to call “a glorified orgasm”.  From what I’ve read, your clitoris is so sensitive after the saline drains into it that any sensation can get you off.  AND, the recharge time is less than 0. 

I know it sounds really psychotic.  I mean who wants to inject their genitals for no reason?  But frankly, I know that some of you are reading this and will google this and get so immersed in the idea of it that you will be obsessed in trying it out.  And when you do, call me, I might give it a "shot".

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Cut or uncut...doesn't matter if you ask me. 

Blowjob Banter

Before I started having actual intercourse, I used to fool around quite a bit.  So much so that I never really thought of myself as a full on virgin, I mean frankly, there is a reason why it’s called “oral” sex.  In any event, my version of fooling around goes anywhere from oral sex to hand jobs to penetration involving anything but an actual dick. 

So speaking of oral sex, I used to be all about it.  I could lay back and enjoy it for hours, literally.  I once had a guy who could do all kinds of business with his tongue and throw in a finger or two and make it so god damn mind-blowing (damn, I miss that guy).  Nowadays, I’m not that into it.  Could be because I found the actual dick in me penetration pretty fucking amazing, or more realistically, haven’t found someone who could give me a mind-blowing eating.

Giving oral sex, on the other hand, isn’t something I either love or hate.  I do however have rules about who I give them to, and if you are lucky enough to land in my bedroom, I’ll be happy to dictate them to you.  I also suck a mean dick but that is beside the point.

Talking with my girlfriends, we all have our special techniques on what makes a dude blow the best load of his life.  I guess we all have a special tactic that makes our suck a little special than the last, but right now, I’m going to share some secrets that guarantees a guy coming back for more.

Instead of going into the biological make-up of the male penis, let’s just all come to an agreement that it is a hot bundle of nerves.  That being said, a sensation, any sensation can cause an effect.  A tight grip with your mouth will mimic the vaginal canal so well that you guy won’t ever want to penetrate you again (so be careful with that).  Also, don't try and deep throat.  You aren't Lil Kim and you don't want to be.  Instead, take in what you can and use your hand as an extension of your mouth.  Sure your hand will get all spit-covered, but you are washing your hands after, right?

But above all else, what you really want to do is pop in two wintergreen altoids before you go down.  That shit is the best sensation you can ever have (and my friends, this works both ways, fucking trust me).  It has to be wintergreen.  Don’t use that peppermint shit, it won’t work.  And believe me, have dudes fallen to my feet after this, not to mention it makes the whole process taste better.  Am I wrong?

That all being said, I find the need to express my opinion about girls who don’t give head. We live in an evolved society where blowjobs are no longer something shunned away and hidden.  In fact, I have to say that in this day and age, if you don’t give head, get over yourself.  You’re no better than those who do, and you will likely be cheated on.  It’s a society we are living in.  And again, this goes both way fellas. 

Wow.  Pushing 2 months brings out the best in me, doesn’t it?  Someone better fucking hit this.   

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Your friend stole your girl?  Not your problem, bro. 

Good Guy's Slut Fest

I have a pair of friends that are so chemically compatible it’s kind of disgusting.  If they weren’t scurrying off 70% of the time I am with them, I’d probably be able to offer some insight into their banter, but alas I don’t.  I mean, I guess the problem here is that they aren’t laying each other.  I mean, I suspect something must have happened at some point, but it seems kind of lame right now.

I think they are both just scared of ruining the friendship.  I mean I’m a good friend of each of theirs, and it’s for a reason, they are pretty fucking awesome.  They both get along with me (and frankly, if they want to invite me for a 3-way, I’d happily oblige, just throwing that out there) so I know they aren’t sleazy out for themselves (which I realize is the opposite of me, but I know that’s why they like me). 

Okay so what the hell does this have to do with me?  Really nothing.  I just needed to state that in the hopes they’ll both read this and the gods of the internet will just fucking get them together…for some fucking.  Also, you two know whom you are, so hope you are reading this and get the fucking hint. 

A quick apology to one of my followers (he knows who he is) for now moving my conversation back to myself, to my newest prospect actually since we are talking about people who are the complete opposite of me.  If you are a follower of my blog and are clued into analysis, you are privy to my type.  The cut and dry is that I like people who are on the other side of the spectrum (1 being me, 10 being the non-psycho).  Shy, conservative, treading the line of virginity. 

There’s a new guy I have recently been hanging out with who I didn’t pay any mind to frankly because it wasn’t my prerogative at the time, but being in the comfort of my hometown, I decided to have a little fun.  Fun turned to “wow, this guy is just my type”.  I think the part I like is the predictability in the situation.  I know the guy will either be a diamond in the rough or will overcompensate for his lack of experience.  In either instance, I'll get my rocks off.   I mean the cliché answer is that I like the challenge involved in corrupting the shit out of him.  But it got me thinking that there has got to be more to it than that.  

I legit propositioned the dude to come over tonight.  I doubt he will because I haven’t had a chance to sink my claws into him, but if he does swing by, be prepared for an impromptu entry later this week about the episode.  I’ll see if he’ll let me video tape it.   Just search for “Good Guy’s Slut Fest” on SpankWire RedTube, you’ll find me. 

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Emotion versus physical connection.  It matters. 

That Shy Guy, G

In lieu of the month long drought I’ve been experiencing, my sex drive has been in full swing, on the prowl looking for the next piece of ass to hit my bedroom.  Sure, I want to sex a few of my co-workers blind, but there’s never a conference room available, so I can’t do a search and destroy (a true fantasy of mine).  I digress.  A few years ago, I dated the anxious mess that was my first supervisor ever.  I don’t think I ever told you the entire story about how I bed him, so why not do it now during my lack of dick. 

So, fresh out of graduate school, and fresh out of Philadelphia, I moved to New York City, madly in lust with Christoph.  We ended up breaking up because A.  There are too many hot guys in New York City to just let go by, and B.  I’m a big time slut.  So anyway, we broke up and I asked my supervisor, G, out.  He was a 30-something social phobic doctor, and so he was definitely not into the whole “dating a co-worker” thing.

I ended up leaving that place, and funnily enough, he did too.  About a year after we met, we finally made plans to do something on my birthday.  He met me at my place and I was still getting dressed.  But, he had something else in mind, which involved me taking off my very favorite LBD.  It didn’t matter to me, I didn’t have any panties on, and he didn’t mind that.

So, I think what was really interesting was that I pegged this guy as a virgin.  I really did.  I figured that being as social phobic as he was, he’d never get his lay on.  Boy, was I wrong (I do that sometimes, surprising, I know).  He knew his way around my body, like water drops in the shower (award for best metaphor ever).

I hate playing this game where I judge guys for being tame and lame and in reality; they are badass motherfuckers, especially in bed.  Frankly, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this (if you are a regular reader).  But it’s also clear that I have a pattern.  I’m attracted to these guys that are the complete opposite of me in hopes that I’m going to turn them to the dark side, and then boom, they put it down on me better than the one before.

I have to pull in my psych background to diagnose my sub-conscious as fucking around with my conscious.  I mean, everyone says opposites attract, but god damn is that a cliché, and I hate to be defined.  I think it’s time for me right now to stop taking myself so seriously (I mean, when have I ever, but..) and admit that maybe a part of me is a cliché and I do play stupid games with myself.  But I guess that’s what therapy is for.

Thinking about all that, I think I really like playing this game, because, the truth is, it always ends in a great lay.  Speaking of great lays, I wonder what G is up to these days…. (cue searching for his number in my phone…)

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Drunken nights aren't always a great idea. 

Attention Whores (Who Aren't Me)

I fucking hate needy girls.  Like I said, about a dozen times last weekend, they are the complete opposite of everything I believe in.  I’m such neo-feministic prick that I could barely deal with the chick in the house that would be washing the dishes while the rest of us continued to party (she knows who she is, and she’s lucky she has a cute face).

I digress.  I can go into the clichéd tirade about how we live in the 21^st century and woman are on a whole new gender platform where they can offer substantial say in just about everything.  We also can do whatever our heart desires (that even includes taking testosterone injections!).

So the thing that gets me about needy females is how a. pathetic they really are, and b. how idiotic they really sound.  This shit might fly back when our parent’s generation was around, but it is NOT acceptable in this day in age.  Not in the slightest, if you ask me. 

I spent the weekend in Chicago with a bunch of assholes I now call my friends.  I didn’t get laid, but that was mostly because I only set my eyes on sleeping with Toby who was under the weather and frankly, that was not my problem.  So that left me to socialize with these people that at the time I referred to as my virtual family.  I plan on analyzing each one of them at some point.  In a nutshell, there was nothing I observed that was totally off the wall that they won’t already know, with the exception of one person, so I am finding the need to document my findings.

Let’s call her NA.  NA was nice enough.  I guess I assumed she was successful.  And frankly, she wasn’t all that terrible looking, albeit a tad chubby.  I guess she got along with everyone in our house, so I kept my judgments about her to myself (as I did all the judgments I made about you assholes).  The problem I had with NA was that she is the complete opposite of what I live and believe in.   

If you know me at all, I have idealistic views on how women should act based on the biology we are made up of.  There’s so much more to that, I don’t even have the time to dwell on myself (shocker I know).  NA is the complete opposite of this.  She seriously is living in a fantasy world (perhaps the 1930s) where men court women in the most respectful manner in the hopes of getting married one day. 

Okay.  So I come to find out that NA was trying to set up dates/dinners/drinks for the whole time she was out there.  I can’t knock her game.  That’s certainly something I would do (had Toby not been in the picture, and had I been in dire need of getting some dick in me).  Okay so whatever, she wanted to get her shit on.  You go girl, do what you got to do.  It was clear she was just trying to get a free meal but hey, I’ll try and look past that as well.  The girl will go out on a date, till 4am, not give it up, and wonder why the guy gets mad when she doesn’t bring him back.  Bro…

Not to mention, the girls titties were all out the entire time we were at the house.  Fine.  I mean my A-cup tits were all out too, hell I flashed the house at some point (and I was pretty sober, which figures).  The problem with her tits being all out was that she didn’t even own up to it.  In fact, she would get offended when someone would point at the fact that her tits were all out.  Bro, your tits are out, you are trying to fucking fish in a dude, don’t even try to deny it.  Your ass is just trying to get attention, but only from dudes that just want to get their DICK IN YOU!

I think the bottom line was that this girl, NA, is just not self-aware.  She is a 30-something pathetic female trying to get married.  And the worst part is, that she is so high maintenance, whiney, and attention seeking, that no one is going to give her the time of day.  And I wish I could say that I feel bad, but I can’t stand females who don’t know how to act…at 30.

I think she is a great example of a female being evolutionarily weeded out.  She draws men in with the pseudo-promise of a coital act (tits all out), and then she denies the guy because she is looking for something more.  Men are NOT going to stick around if there is the hope of getting laid and boom you lose.  Ladies, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t show your tits off.  Like I said, my tits are always out, but I’m also not expecting to draw in a marriage-material guy, right?   Gold-digging your way into a guy’s heart is not conducive to a long-term (evolutionarily sound) relationship.  Fucking trust me.  Desperation is something that just about anyone can pick up on even if it’s subconsciously.  If you are desperate, you have to tread really carefully around the potential mates you are trying to attract, because they will pick up on it out and you will lose. 

While on my trip, I avoided NA like the plague.  I guess that’s why I didn’t get sick, but I also didn’t get any dick.  I blame her for that curse. 

Dedicated to my Chicago assholes.  And Toby.

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Purple Oves

So, I need to take the time to write about the phenomenon that is female blue balls.  I want to change the name to female blue vaginal tract but that just sounds too scientific so I’m going to call it purple oves.  Here’s what I’m talking about.  Sometimes (3 times a day), I find the need to rub one out.  The problem I come across is this internal “ache” that seems to occur due to the lack of penetration (unfortunately, I have yet to find a vibrator that sustains me, but that’s besides the point).

So, it gets me wondering whether I’m the only with this problem.  And I know it isn’t.  Females are just not inclined to claim they have blue balls (let alone admit they jerk off).  But whatever.  The problem is that females just don’t like to admit that they like something in them.  I only get it when I’m in heavy foreplay or I’m rubbing one out.  The minute I get penetrated, there is no reason for the feeling to come about. 

I think that people put a greater emphasis on male blue balls and fail to realize that there are women that have similar needs that fail to be met.  Evolution has developed men to be able to bust into a woman.  Failure for such “bustage” results in the age-old blue balls. 

So, why can’t females feel the same evolutionary instinct when they have lack of dick in them?  It’s not so much a question as it is a fact.  I’m fairly neo-feminist (if not totally obvious) and think that while certain double standards are appropriate, others not so much.

This all boils down to a female’s need to have sex.  Not just a need, but an inherent and biological mechanism that can actually cause pain if not fulfilled.  That all being said, I have a few postulations (don’t know if that’s a word, don’t really care).  A female can absolutely have purple oves and need to have sex.  It’s part of her biological nature.  A male can absolutely have blue balls and need to have sex.  Again, it’s part of his biological nature. 

That all being said, it isn’t a myth as much as it is a biological phenomenon that gives both sexes an actual reason to get some.  So I get a slight bother when I get questions about what to do when their mates are not providing sexually.  I’m not saying the 3-times a day bullshit I need, but even just the 3-times a week schedule.  It bothers me because there is a clear disconnect between the mates.  A.  There are likely communication issues, and B.  There is no way this relationship is going to work, if you can’t even move on the physical.

Sex is evolved to be a biological need.  If there is a disconnect (as I outlined above), then there is likely a weed out happening.  I hate saying that because you all paint pretty pictures in your head that you’re going to find the perfect girl or guy who will want to have sex or won’t want to have sex on your terms only.  It’s definitely not like that. 

So, I want to propose this.  Before you delve deep into a relationship with wining, dining, meeting the parents, taking vacations, etc.  Please be sure and make sure you are both on the same sexual needs tract.  It will save both of you some time.  Please trust me on this.

I’m dedicating this post to the pathetic women out there that think they can talk to a dude till 4am and not expect to go home with him.  Good luck with that, idiot.    

Face Down. Ass Up. Choke.

So this weekend, my friend PP disappeared off the face of the planet, so I was left to fend for myself.  Given the grave state of my number of friends, I called up one of my friends, John, to entertain me.  Before you jump to the obvious conclusion that he was in me for the weekend, he was not.  John is actually a great friend of mine, rather tame, but honest enough to keep me honest, at least for the short time he was with me.

In any event, I had John join me for some weekend drinks, dinner, and shoot the shit.  It was great to catch up with him since he missed my birthday and I missed him when he was in town.  It was pretty interesting to hear him talk about a latest chick in his life. 

I’m always very defensive when it comes to any chick one of my guys wants to bring around.  My mantra is always ‘guilty until proven innocent’, so I was ready to rip into this chick.  However, I was actually pleasantly surprised at the information provided. 

Apparently, John and this chick have been fooling around for about a week.  They haven’t had sex yet, but she has informed him that she is into unorthodox sexual activities.  So I had to feed him a couple of his favorite margaritas to pry the information from him.

This girl is up for anything.  S&M, choking, tying up, I won’t even go into the conversation we had about the zucchinis and cucumbers.  So the girl was someone after my own heart.  What was the big deal right?  The big deal is that it was John who was attracted to her.

Like I said, John is a tame guy.  He is a legitimate good guy.  I mean, I get that opposites attract, there’s obviously a reason he and I are friends, but I started wondering how that all works in bed.  I have had some tame guys in my bed (mostly because I’m stronger than all of them).  I’m into some freakish things, and frankly, don’t introduce it right off the bat given the unusual nature of my kinks.

But how do you have a conversation about these things?  I’m obviously a big proponent of communication, so my first instinct would be to just ask a guy (or girl) what s/he is into.  I think that a lot of people are afraid to do this because you put your kinks on the table and it might scare someone off.  I mean its true, but frankly, do you want to be with someone who can’t share in your love of a nipple clamp?

Okay, so when is the right time to bring something like this up?  I mean, John is 5 days into this thing and he’s already wondering whether he should get a cucumber or a zucchini.  I’ve brought up my nuances with a couple of guys, but like I said, the dudes were too tame to satisfy me. 

My theory is that these tame guys are usually into tame girls, but while they’re “sowing their oats”, they find girls like me (and John’s girl) who give them what they won’t be able to experience in the future.  They’re biologically secure with these girls because they aren’t trying to get impregnated nor are they trying to foster a relationship.  It’s pure unadulterated sex.  (And frankly, my favorite kind of sex).  Once they’ve gotten a feel of the wild side, they will settle down with their fellow tame girls (girls I loathe) and make a pack of tame kids. 

I’ve kind of gone all over the place here, but I want to leave you with a few questions.  Are you into a weird fetish or kink?  If so, and you are in a relationship, does your partner share in it?  And if not, do you let your partners know right off the bat, or later down the line?  In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and enjoy my zucchini casserole. 

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Cheaters Always Propser

The last few guys I’ve slept with have either had a girlfriend or were married.  That makes me the mistress, which is a role that I’m actually more than comfortable playing, mostly because I’m a legitimate sociopath.  In all seriousness though, I have several friends who actually have a conscience and would NEVER do such a thing.  While I’ve written about this situation before, I thought it would be nice to do a deep dive as requested by some of my protégés.

There’s a double standard between being a male mistress (maletress?) vs. a female mistress.  We mostly hear of the scandalous tales of the mistress disrupting the perfect union between some wack ass dude and his unassuming girlfriend.  I mean there is a reason a guy will cheat on his girlfriend, and it’s because the trick is stupid, boring, and naive. 

Treading on that for a minute, you’ll also notice the drastic differences between the cheated and cheatee.  Generally speaking, people are more likely to cheat on their mates with someone who is less likely to commit to them in the long run. 

I condone cheating.  I think I’ve made that pretty clear.  Men will always cheat.  They need to because being “faithful” is not conducive to their gene perpetuation.  The mistress is a man’s best-kept secret.  Most of my male friends have or have had their own chick on the side, and I always end up judging the girl as a bitch ass waste of space.    

To be honest, even though I’ve played the role, it’s a stupid role to play, but only for females who think they will manage a relationship out of the situation.  The problem is, however, is that the guy will never leave his girlfriend.  And even if he does, he’ll go ahead and do it again, and this time it’s worse because he’s doing it to you.  On the other hand, if you are just passing time, and don’t expect anything but a physical “bang bang”, then hell, go for it.

There is likely no evolutionary reason for a mistress to stay in this union.  I mean, she’s probably thinking that in some respect, the guy will provide some sort of resource or genetic superiority, but he’s already going to be dispensing his resources elsewhere, so technically there is no point.  Going back to my conscience-toting friends, most just don’t want the karma to come back and bite them in the ass.  Not to mention preserving the “sanctity of marriage” bullshit.

Get real.  I always go back to the same argument.  Marriage is unnatural.  Commitment is unnatural.  How can the population perpetuate, if historically, our ancestors didn’t cheat on their mates?  I guess what it comes down to is that being a mistress/maletress shouldn’t really be considered such a shameful taboo.  It’s a natural part of selection.   So if there are any dudes out there that want to select me as their mistress, feel free to ask me for my number. 

...tbc.

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Easy, Girl.

I’m one horny motherfucker. I’m glued to my television, watching CNN, and growing increasingly restless at the thought of being stuck indoors because of this stupid storm. And all I want is someone to come over to keep me occupied before I lose my mind (I mean, too late for that).

So my mind wanders to about a few weeks ago, when I agreed to go on a date with a friend of a friend, who I’ll call “Nooner” for obvious reasons. Nooner and I had a lot in common so we were able to sustain conversation for the entire duration of our standard drinks and dinner. After we were thoroughly imbibed, I invited him over to really just shoot the shit (but truth be told, if I invite you over, you pretty much win). And really, you can guess what happened next.

It got me thinking about having sex on a first date. If you are anything like me (and god help you if you are), there is no such thing as waiting for a second date to have sex. But of course, I’m a psychotic exception, so I posed the question to my esteemed colleagues and loyal twitter followers. And true to form, I received arguments for both sides of the story.

I can talk about sexual compatibility for days on end, because that’s really what it comes down to. Sexual compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility, if not more so. If you are going to sit down and have a conversation with a potential mate to see if you are emotionally compatible, why not see where the night ends up and perhaps turn it into a fuck fest in your bedroom.

I mean I guess I just don’t understand the counter argument. There’s a stigma around having sex on the first date. Mostly with females, but in some occasions with males too. People want to foster a relationship and make sure they are compatible before giving it all up. I mean I get it, but does no one believe in the idea of sexual compatibility? I’m not by any means saying that you should just meet someone and have sex, but I don’t think you should hold yourself back if the chemistry is there.

From what I gather, males think to tend think a female is easy if she sleeps with him on a first date. Fine. But why does it have such a negative connotation? The girl is just trying to see if she’s compatible. Why not be easy? Or for that matter, why not be fast? Is it really so demeaning?

Males always have an easier time with sex on a first date because they are always ready to go. I mean, I’m generalizing, but if there is a male out there who doesn’t feel that way, he’s being weeded out (and I dare you to prove me wrong). Males are always willing to have sex on a first date, they’re just trying to spread their seed around, so it’s natural, primal, all that other shit I preach to world’s end.

Back to Nooner, I had sex with him on the first night I met him, shamelessly and damn was it good. If you know me at all, I hate dating. I think it’s archaic and unnatural, but hey I’m also being evolutionarily weeded out. Anyway, I’d be interested in keeping Nooner around for a bit (despite his 7 inches), if he’d ever return my propositions (clearly I’m hoping he’ll read this and get the hint).

Truth be told, if I was into dating, I might give Nooner a chance. But he might just end up thinking I’m easy.

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The Importance of Coming

Orgasms are evolutionarily evolved. So when someone tells me that they are overrated, I flip my shit. I mean, lets forget for a second that I have anger management issues. Male or female, who in their right mind would forgo the epic sensation that is the orgasm? Have you read my recent post how there is no point in having sex if you aren’t going to orgasm? It’s biologically and physically necessary.

So I posed this question to my increasingly sex hungry colleagues. Is an orgasm really necessary in a coital relationship? The response was overwhelming. Under no circumstance should a person deny himself or herself an orgasm. Now there are always the exceptions to the rule. Some people (a VERY small percentage) are not even physically capable of having an orgasm while others have never even experienced one.

That all being said while I’m not an advocate of having sex without an orgasm, I can understand the justification of someone faking an orgasm (and I’m not just talking about females here, males have also been known to fake an ejaculation). Faking an orgasm is actually one of the most primitive mate retention tactics. The evolutionary basis behind an orgasm is the mechanism it provides in propelling the sperm up to the uterine wall (both male and female orgasms are evolved in this method). A woman’s vagina contracts allowing fluids to flow into her uterus, while a male’s “squirting” ejaculation is meant to propel sperm to the uterus. Hand in hand, sperm to egg is such an easy task to overcome. Luckily for us, it is one of the most pleasurable experiences in life, if not the MOST pleasurable.

Going back to mate retention, it’s a female’s primal duty to ensure her mate doesn’t stray to some other random red-head broad down the street. To ensure he doesn’t inseminate another female and expend his resources elsewhere. However, if a woman isn’t achieving orgasm, it decreases her chances of procreating so she will go elsewhere to find a mate who will appropriately “squirt” into her. Conversely, if a male can’t get off, he’ll go elsewhere to find a more pleasurable mate (and honestly that female usually ends up being me).

This sexual incompatibility will result in mate retention problems (i.e. cheating, cuckoldry, etc). And all because of a measly orgasm. Not so overrated, don’t you think? So look, I get what she’s trying to say. She has a lot in common with this guy, they get along, he can provide for her and her prerogative, he holds her hand, yada yada yada, but the bottom line is if he can’t get her off, the relationship is doomed.

Furthermore, there is no reason to fake an orgasm. You fake it once, you’ll fake it for the rest of your time with your mate until you break up or cheat. Sex is the root of life. There is a biological basis behind the pleasure involved in the orgasm and if you can’t achieve it, there is really no point in the act itself. The orgasm isn’t by any means overrated. It’s a tool, a mechanism in the process of procreation.

I haven’t had the need (knock on wood) to EVER fake an orgasm. I have been blessed (and perhaps cursed) to be able to finish fast and often. That being said, I’m still single, and it goes to show you that sexual compatibility is just part of the bigger picture.

That was certainly a mouthful. Time to rub one out.

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Alone in Manhattan

Please find an intriguing piece written by a friend of mine published on sikhchic.com!

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School Girl Fantasy

Sex in school. This week, the New York City public school system has put into effect a new mandate requiring sex education classes at city public schools. If you don’t have an opinion, you should get one. Almost 10% of females in this city’s public high school system are pregnant. That’s actually a pretty high statistic. 20 years ago, our open-minded city shut down the sex education program as a result of heavy opposition from the city and of course overzealous religious groups (I feel very close to Dan Savage at this moment).

I’m as open about my sexuality as Margo Wilson (god rest her soul, the mother of human sexuality). I’m very sex-positive, and I’m always striving for people to explore their sexuality and go out of their comfort zones. On a completely separate note, I volunteer. I volunteer 8am to 5pm every Saturday from September to June. The kids I work with are mostly girls aged 8 to 14. Over the course of five years, I’ve lost two girls to pregnancy.

Ten years ago, when I was in high school, I had the sex ed course. Pregnant girls were shunned and everyone avoided eyes with them. It’s 2011 and the number of pregnant teenagers has not only increased, but become glorified in the form of movies and tv (Juno and those teen pregnancy shows on MTV). Girls are making “pregnancy pacts” to ensure all their children grow up together. Seriously?

Going back to the sex ed mandate, I’ve posed the question to several people of all shapes, colors, and sizes. I received pretty much the same answer (and why wouldn’t I, living in this blue city), in that sex ed absolutely should be integrated into the public school system. Students, from middle school on, should be “schooled” on the ins and outs of sex and sexuality. They should know the proper names of their genitalia and how to put on a condom. They should have fear instilled into them regarding the risk of STDs and the downfalls of pregnancy at such a young age.

I know I sound preachy, but given the two girls I’ve lost to not being schooled in the ways of the sexual world, I have the right to be a little peeved. Now look, there are plenty of cons to introducing sex into the still-developing minds of our future. Introducing sex might just push them off the edge, giving them a reason to their promiscuity. Obviously I’m sex positive, and I’m supportive of matured people exploring their sexuality and sexual identify. That being said, as long as the consequences are made VERY clear, there is no reason not to have sex ed as a mandate in the schools.

I waited till I was 22 to have sex, mainly because I was scared of getting pregnant. Even the idea of birth control was no reason for me to spread my legs. Even now, I track my ovulation very carefully, always use a condom (the truth is, I’ve never done it raw…cue all of your jaws dropping), and get tested at least once a month. There is nothing as too safe (except of course no sex, which I do NOT condone).

Not only are human beings evolving, but also sex and sexuality are evolving. New ideas are sprouting in (and out of the bedroom). People are exploring sexuality, sexual identity, and orientation now more than ever, and it’s just going to increase as we continue to evolve. I can’t support a generation that is literally devolving from the strong career-driven woman of the 21st century.

The sex ed mandate is a very controversial topic and I’ve heard very strong support for it. What I’ve failed to hear is the strong support against it, and I know it’s out there. So, I pose the question out there. If you are not in favor of the new sex ed mandate in the NYC school system, please tell me why and how you think the high rate of teen pregnancies is affected by it.

I dedicate this post to the two girls I lost to pregnancy. I’m not sure what’s going on with them at this point in their life, but I hope they are safe and above all, happy.

I Make 'Em Bust Quick

I always say that there is no point of having sex unless you have an orgasm. I’ve been doing this twitter guy, JB, who has left me pretty satisfied, but I mean, you’re always going to have that one night when he finishes too fast, and that’s when I go psycho on a dude's ass (could be a reason why I’ve been highly agitated this week…hmm). I feel like there’s nothing he can do to make it up to me. I posed this question to my friend, Pina, and she agrees,

"...fingering and oral sex doesn't make up for premature ejaculation...”

I have biological theories about the “premature ejaculation” that I won’t go into today. I mean it’s happened with every guy I’ve slept with and every guy in general (and those numbers are actually pretty close). In all seriousness though, it’s always the same story. Girls hate it and men are embarrassed by it. So how do we recover from it?

It’s like how Pina puts it; even a perfect anatomically correct model in the form of one of those vibrators I so adeptly broke cannot make up for a live dick. It’s just the way it is. Not to mention if you are wet as a river, getting pounded from behind, with your hair being pulled off your scalp—and then BAM. He finishes, and you’re so fucking frustrated, you punch the dude in his balls (based on a true story).

That’s not to say that men don’t have their own frustrations. Blue balls are a common phenomenon, (although I have yet to see or taste an actual pair of blue scrotum), and I suspect it’s the same idea. Men are so worked up to get off, and for whatever reason, they don’t, and want to punch a girl in her ovaries (Is that from a movie? It sounds familiar).

Okay, back to PE. I mean there’s nothing that can be done. You have to go with the flow, hope for the best that he’ll be roaring to go in 5, 10, or 30 minutes. I do want to take this time to discuss the Coolidge effect. You can google why it got that name, but I’ll talk about what it is. Standard copulation includes a male who ejaculates into a female and then takes time to get it up again (which is sometimes frustrating for us females). However, the theory behind the Coolidge effect is that if female-1 steps out of the room, post coitus, female-2 can come in and the male will immediately be ready to go again. Did I make that clear?

Because he’s already inseminated one female, he would be biologically ready to go again in another female who he hasn’t already inseminated (and in turn perpetuated his gene pool). Now, unfortunately, we haven’t been able to have a controlled setting to test this theory in humans (I’ve actually looked into doing a study for this, email me if you want to know what happened with my grant submission), but it was first observed in chickens (with Calvin Coolidge) and then taken into the lab with rats.

The data is pretty amazing surrounding the Coolidge effect theory, and quite honestly, I’d love to test it out. I think we’ve come a far way from my story about PE, but we’re still talking ejaculation, so it’s still relevant.

I haven’t had the worst luck with guys who have prematurely ejaculated (which is strange considering my tagline is “I Make ‘Em Bust Quick”). I think I’ve managed to pick out guys who I know can handle. But that’s not to say there isn’t a way around a dude who busts quick.

First of all, virgins are ALWAYS more susceptible to finishing fast, so I avoid them at all costs (not to mention they get clingy as hell, please also read previous post entitled “There’s A First Time For Everything” regarding how to avoid a PE with a virgin).

Virgins aren’t the only ones that finish fast. Some guys just have bad days, and you don’t realize it’s going to happen. However, there are some guys who are just always going to finish fast. Based on research I’ve done (i.e. asking my friends who are just about all male), jerking off regularly is one of the best ways to avoid prematurely ejaculating. I wonder about the term regularly. On average, I rub one out once a day, but from what I understand, it’s a higher rate for males. Whatever the average masturbation rate is for males is what I recommend, not just for guys having PE problems, but also for all dudes in general. Masturbation is underrated.

In any event, I’ve offered some advice on how to avoid the PE in prior posts, but I’d be really interested in hearing what some of you do to avoid busting quick. Ladies, do you have any special techniques that keep your trysts from finishing before you’re ready?

I dedicate this post to twitter guy, JB, whose small dick and one PE still manages to make me laugh. (Relax; I’m not in love with him).

(Editor's Note: I posed an off topic question to my twitter followers about a separate entry regarding the necessity/enjoyment of an orgasm. One of my followers made a very good point in that the PE is tied to a woman's a. inability to achieve orgasm, and b. a lower desire to achieve one. I just thought I'd share as it ties into the PE discussion above. Please see future blog post on orgasms for more on the topic)

Dickpiphany.

I’m sleeping with a guy from twitter who has a pretty small dick. It’s not the smallest I’ve seen, but since he’s current, I thought I’d talk about it. I’ve written a post about my preference of a small dick over a big dick, but that was based on a comfort thing. I want to talk today of the evolutionary basis of the preference for a small dick.

So let me talk about the guy for a minute. I met him on twitter (I promise, its only the 2nd guy I’ve done via twitter), so I really should have known better, but I got over it because let’s face it, I’m a legend and the guy should be so lucky. Okay enough self-praise, back to the guy; let’s call him, JB. Of course JB is kind of a pansy, (which I’m finding is most of twitter and mostly what I attract, but see later blog post on the correlation between social media, aggressive women, and pansy-ass dudes). Okay, so JB is a pansy. He is pretty good looking, an engineer, and lives in the NYC/NJ Metro area. The guy lives with his parents, which I did hold against him, until I slept with him and the sex was pretty amazing, so I managed to look past it the first night…then the second night…and the next morning…. you get the point.

Okay so back to his dick, like I said, it wasn’t the smallest I’ve seen, so I was pretty content. Females are programmed to prefer a big dick and there is a simple reason for this. Since sex is the method to pro-create, a bigger (see: longer, girthier) dick is more likely to impregnate a woman’s ovulating system than a small (see: short, skinnier) dick. A big dick can reach the egg whereas a small dick cannot. Does that make sense? Biologically, women are attracted to a bigger dick because that dick can reach the egg better than a smaller one. It’s so simple.

Now, what about females like me who kick big dicks out of my apartment? I hate to sound facetious so take this as seriously as you can, but we are being evolutionary weeded out. And it totally makes sense. I don’t want to have any kids. I just took a five-minute break because I had an evolutionary epiphany and had to tell my friends. So what does all this have to do with the small dicks in my recent life? My personal market research has shown that guys that I sleep with who have small dicks are not interested in having any future offspring. Can you guess why? Because small dicks are a result of being weeded out evolutionarily! They are already biologically programmed to NOT pro-create. Mind blowing right? It makes perfect sense that a small-dick dude and a shallow-set vag (me) would be the ideal mating solution. There would be (ideally) no pro-creation, but the primal instinct to copulate could still occur. I still can’t get over it.

So I ran this by my girlfriend, Shari, who wants to get married and have kids one day. The problem is, she doesn’t prefer a big dick. Unfortunately, I put things into perspective for her (ironically, on route via the Q-train to Queens to a baby shower for a close friend). She, too, is being evolutionary weeded out. Women who don’t prefer a big dick are not biologically primed to pro-create. I hated giving Shari the bad news, but I was also in an angry mood yesterday morning, so I guess I didn’t care. Still, it was Shari and I love her more than the world.

Today I had brunch with a bunch of educated females, who I’m sure I scarred for life, but I ran this theory by. I think that no one believes my bull shit, but in the end, they all took away something and I suspect they will all report back to me their experiences with their respective dicks to determine whether my theory is sound.

I want to dedicate this post to the ladies I had brunch with today. Prove me wrong and the next brunch is on me.

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.

This week, I was going to write my opinion about sex on the first date, but then someone asked me how to steal a girl’s boyfriend, so my gears switched up. I think she was being facetious, but truth be told, we were bred to compete for the ideal mate. So when someone comes around asking me how to do this, it’s actually an easy one to answer.

First and foremost, no matter what anyone says otherwise, you have to look the part. A genetically viable female is one who has those childbearing hips and a large enough chest to feed milk to her offspring for days. Men will try and deny this at all costs, but in the end, they’ll marry the curvy chick over the skinny one any day. Trust me.

You can’t just grow these genetically viable physical traits over night. In fact, society has allowed to us feign certain characteristics with the invention of butt pads and boob jobs, but let’s be honest, hooking a guy is easy to do if you know what needs to be done.

Second of all, being easy and fast isn’t going to land you this guy. A coy female is the prime female. Humans are one of the only species (if not the only) who have a hidden ovulation system. Men are more likely to mate with an ovulating woman than one who isn’t (the better to spread his seed, right?). That being said, since men are unaware of whether a female is ovulating or not, the coyer the female, the better the chances a female will land a mate by deception.

Does that make sense? If it doesn’t, let me know. It makes sense in my head, but I mean, I’ve studied this inside out. Okay, so anyway, besides being coy, I hate to say it, but a female in need is also attractive to males. Males in just about all species are bred to provide for their investment. They invest in a woman. She invests in him, and together they produce offspring to carry on the lineage. Okay, so back to being a female in need. There are females out there (mostly yours truly) who are NEVER in need of a male’s resource. Males aren’t attracted to this. They want a female who “needs” his resources.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is not a DAMN thing wrong with being independent, but you really want to snag a mate, then use those deception skills and let him feel needed. And don’t over do it. That’s when you become a “needy chick”. Don’t be that girl.

I know I’m going to be shunned by my fellow neo-feministic counter parts, but I can’t help but support the biological way that we were created. I know many females and males are going to disagree with my theory, but I really brought up this subject to see what others think on the view of deception and mate competition in general.

I dedicate this to all the girls who wants guys who have girlfriends. You’re better than those bitches anyway.

“…90% of dudes are little bitches, give or take 10%...”~ @jayang.

Females have a natural tendency to harness “excitement” in their life. (I hate the word “drama” so much, that I’m going to refer to it as “excitement” from this point on). They thrive off of the competition and jealousy that always involves the attention of a male whether directly or indirectly. It’s inevitable and something I’d rather not condone, but I understand its means, and it’s certainly justified (just like cheating, cuckoldry, sperm competition, and the like). There are some of us who are being weeded out, evolutionary (which I’ve come to terms with) who don’t experience jealousy or have a direct competitive zeal around other women. We won’t be procreating, and have no reason to.

So anyway, with respect to some of my more "fun" sexual trysts, I’ve found that males are actually very prone to this type of “excitement” in their life. These guys are literally acting like “little bitches” complaining and moaning about the most trifling little details.

Speaking with my sounding boards, I’ve found that the urban environment is actually overrun with these types of guys. Now I am completely aligned with male jealousy. I’ve published papers on the emotional jealousy versus sexual jealousy, so I understand that there is a reason behind it in both male and female sexes. I’m not talking about that kind of “excitement”. I’m talking about that middle school shit that we, adults, don’t know how to deal with in the present day, and I can’t, and I won’t tolerate it.

I have a male friend, John, who I’ve known for about 10 years. He is the youngest of three, college-educated, unemployed, but still able to come out and party every now and then. He’s lost touch with many of our (former) mutual friends, simply because of petty bullshit. Examples include: “This guy hooked up with his former girlfriend.” “This girl broke up with him.” Stupid stuff that isn’t even worth expanding on.

John and I don’t talk much anymore, and I think I’m realizing why. John doesn’t share the issues and concerns that I have. I need to worry about my finances, running an organization and working full-time at the same time, dance class, training, etc. He worries about who has the better BMW (that was provided by their parents), where the “it” place to be is on Friday (which is usually a mere 20 minutes away and in a strip mall), and which girl he’ll be taking home following that night (who will be 19, drunk, and easy).

Looking at back at what I just wrote, I remember hanging out with my two very favorite friends, Jay D. and Jay K. (they both had the same name, so I’ll let their pseudonyms be the same as well). I remember worrying about whether I’d inherit my dads Benz or my moms Four runner. I remember trying to get out on Friday night to go to the party being held at Baja Beach Club on Columbus Ave and worrying if Jay K’s girlfriend would show up or not in the hopes that he would make out with me at the end of the night. I remember all this, and it was from 1996.

It’s clear that John and I are on different wavelengths, but it pains me to think that someone who was once such a good friend to me is now so different from me and can’t understand what it means to truly have a concern or issue. There is much more to life than cars, girls, and parties. I know it sounds cliché, but it needs to be said. I can’t help but blame these guys for not stepping outside their self-made bubble and see that there is more to life than the petty shit they are getting pissed off and angry about.

I also can’t help but blame these guys for being dependent (not just physically, but emotionally as well). That being said, I need to implement a new rule (and hope my fellow females will follow suit) to do your homework with a dude. Is he dependent on his family? Is he hung up on an ex? Is he constantly worrying about stupid petty shit that doesn't matter? Throw caution to the wind, the majority of these guys may seem harmless at first, but they’ll burn you in the end (and with the stupidest shit you’ll keep shaking your head at after it happens).

Two things I want to leave you with before I sign off. Friendship is fine, but be careful with these “little bitches” (as I like to call them). a. These guys are stuck in a bubble, and you won’t want to be there when it bursts and b. He’ll be a needy little bitch throughout the courting (friendship or otherwise) process and will whine and pout if he doesn’t get his way. This guy is also being weeded out evolutionary, but it’s for a different reason, obviously.

I’m dedicating this post to all the little bitches out there. Get off of your parents couches and go worry about something real for a change.

Wedding Season is Officially Over

So wedding season is over. Unfortunately, no great epiphanies came to me as I was participating. On approximately four hours of sleep over the course of two days at a best friends wedding, by the reception, I had no desire to go home with a groomsman I was eyeing who I knew would make an interesting post.

Wedding season wasn’t as terrible as I had anticipated, and I know it has all to do with how much fun I had, but it would be AWESOME to have a wedding simply to have the HUGE party. So as I’m thinking about it, all the thoughts in my head went around decorations, outfits, bridesmaids, etc. I didn’t even think about “my future partner”. I couldn’t even imagine what married life would be like.

People tell me that I just haven’t found the right guy to turn me straight. As much as I try to convince myself, I don’t believe it. I can’t even get attached to a guy I’m regularly sleeping with. So it got me thinking that maybe I’m subconsciously attracted to guys who I know I can’t become attached to.

Recent history has shown me that just about every guy I’ve hooked up with has been extremely gorgeous and successful. I know you’re thinking what the hell, I’m attracted to the perfect guy. No. In fact, if a guy is gorgeous and successful, he’s more likely to be picked up by some other girl so I don’t have to deal with his bullshit. Plus, this other girl is more likely to be docile (look amongst yourselves, ladies).

I’ve done married guys, engaged guys, and attached guys. All guys, who in the end, won’t need to commit to me. That all being said, how is a “right guy” going to come along? I’ve had my moments of weaknesses: Wayne, Pecs, etc, but in the end, I wasn’t really interested, and they were just guys to pass the time with.

I think what I’m trying to get at is that there might not be someone out there who is a “right guy” or “right girl”. If you have a habit of being attracted to the same person over and over again, none of them are going to be “right”. There’s a reason that it didn’t work with the first one.

I’m not suggesting that how I am is the right way to do things. Obviously, tons of people are in relationships and married, and half of them actually do succeed, but I can’t sit here and support this idea that there is someone out there for everyone. It’s not true. There are people ahead of evolution and there are some that are behind. Then there are those….that settle.

Play by the Rules, Boys.

Over the course of the past four months my friend, Shari, has been seeing this tasty little number, Raj. With an average of about one date per month, she went on date number four last night. Shari was staying with me for the weekend, so last night, he met us at my place and we headed over to some out-of-the-way bar in Soho. I had to immediately trek back home because the arepas I had earlier that night weren’t settling well in my stomach.

It was my first time meeting Raj, and after what I heard about it him, I was pretty psyched to meet him. He was a straight out of Brooklyn type kid who was clearly intelligent. It was clear that he was psychologically capable of reading a situation. Even Shari was able to pick up on his ability to "analyze".

I didn’t even hear Shari come home in the morning, which I suspect was around 4am (and I know you’re thinking, hey, light sleeper, let me try and break in. I’m not, go ahead and try it, you’ll be staring down the barrel of my .45 berretta that I’ll bitch slap you with.). To be honest, I had hoped she wouldn’t come back and would spend the night at Raj’s not because I didn’t want her here, god no. Shari is actually one of two of my closest friends. While she hasn’t given her virginity up yet, she isn’t as straight arrow as you might think. So, I was hoping she would get just a little lucky.

So anyway, I woke up at 9am and noticed that she was here, and immediately proceeded to wake her up and find out if she hooked up. She didn’t. This meant we launched into the post-date analysis. If you know me, you’d know that I hate analyzing a situation. Nothing should have to be analyzed, and everything should just be straightforward. Unfortunately, I’m the only one of my friends who thinks this way.

Thus, we analyzed. What was Raj’s deal? He pings Shari on the computer regularly. Shari proactively texts Raj while he continues to be reactive. He hasn’t kissed her yet. New-age computer conversations and text messaging. Four months, four dates. It may sound hackneyed, but it’s what our generation is about, and you know it, so deal with. In other words, a phone call would have made so much more sense, but we’re in 2011, so it doesn’t.

In any event, Shari has been putting in more of an effort than Raj. We could spend countless hours wondering if he was interested or not. My theory is simple. Why entertain a gorgeous, OVERLY educated female in your already complicated life if you’re not interested? Whether he is interested or not, why go through the trouble?

I’m very protective of my friends, so I’m judgmental of ANYONE they bring around me. Whether it’s a guy, girl, dog, or bamboo shoot. I hate dealing with partners of my friends who can’t follow the evolutionary rules. I am totally supportive of the fact that you can’t commit because it’s biological. But don’t string my friend along if you don’t know what you are interested in. It seems almost parsimonious that he is still around because he is interested in something long term.

I could go into the whole long ramble into how girls and guys can’t be friends (the short story is that one end is ALWAYS going to want to sleep with the other end, it’s just the way nature developed us), but I won’t go into that in this post.

Because we live in a society where commitment is the norm, I realize that guys have complexes about commitment since historically, there is minimal basis for a man to commit. I just don't condone uncertainty. I don’t get what the big deal is. Either you want to commit or you don’t. It doesn’t make any biological sense why guys can’t be straightforward like their ancestral counterparts. A coy female is more evolutionarily sound than a coy male.

I’m not saying Raj is one of these guys; it just brought this question to my mind. Guys are really easy to read. I’m not lying. They play by the evolutionary rules about 90% of the time, and it’s more than easy to get what you want out of them. When they don’t play by the rules, and a woman like me comes around to call them out, they end up wanting to kill themselves for being called out as an insecure male. It’s sad, but true, and frankly, I don’t care.

If Shari wants to bring Raj around me again, I’ll be interested in learning more about him so that I can analyze him and figure out what his deal is. Does he really want to be with Shari? Or is he just stringing her along until something better comes along? Obviously, I have my own theories, but perhaps you all out there have something to offer. I’d be happy to be debunked of my own preconceptions regarding a man’s ability to commit.

I have to once again dedicate this post to Shari, for without her, I would have jumped off the Walt Whitman Bridge years ago. I love you.

The Proverbial Sugar Mommy

So I think I’ve hit a crossroads in my life. I’m not exactly sure how or why, but I’ve come to question myself. Perhaps because I’ve invited too many people into my real life and its starting to collapse on itself. Before I went to college, I was such a loner, not to mention overweight. I had low self-esteem and the dude(s) I wanted didn’t want me back.

Fast forward to ten years later where not only am I over confident with an inflated sense of self, I have a body to match. I’ve been riding this wave for about five years where sex is just something I’ve added to my routine and relationships are a contrived behavior that neither I, nor anybody needs to participate in.

So I’m not really sure why I’m coming off feeling like I need to be with somebody. The cognitive dissonance that my mind and body is going through right now isn’t helping my already anxious self. I am actually willing to go as far as to blame society and related norms that include “settling down” and “marriage theory”.

Okay so anyway, given the unique nature of my personality, I’m one of the most rare finds in the human female species. I’m confident and independent. In turn, I’m aggressive because I know what I want, and will do what ever it takes to get it. I’ve lived by this mantra and it’s gone pretty well for me. I received my graduate degree in human sexuality. I have founded my own non-profit organization. I am financially independent, physically active, have a smoking physique, and I know how to take care of myself, and subsequently do. Did I mention I can cook?

You know, I always thought I was a great catch. I thought that given all the amazing qualities I just outlined above, I’d have to be very careful about the dudes I’m having casual sex with for fear they fall in love with me. On the contrary, given my aggressive nature, I’ve been hit up for countless sexual encounters, and the one guy I thought I could potentially have a real dinner with called me out. I don’t want to quote him exactly, but he indicated that my personality was great for sex, but not so much for a relationship.

It got me thinking about how men perceive the women they want to “be with”. I mean, evolutionarily, men are attracted to women who have a low waist to hip ratio to bear children (I’d get a point for that) and who have large breasts to nurse their many children (okay minus a point). When it comes to personalities, it is a little more complicated.

Women have been genetically evolved to be reliant on men since the dawn of time. So does it just make sense that men are more inclined to be attracted to a woman who is needy and dependent? Where does that leave the new-age woman who is a confident, independent, beater-wearing, aggressive-get-what-she-needs proverbial sugar mommy? Since I’m a firm believer in evolutionary theory, I’ve come to this crossroads that a guy can’t be seriously interested in me merely because I don’t “need him” and thus a complex has developed.

I know it sounds ridiculously obscene and nonsensical, but when it comes to instinctual evolutionary bullshit that I like to spew, we were meant to breed and genetically perpetuate. That being said, I don’t ever plan on giving in. I plan on staying confident and aggressive. I can take care of myself and anyone else who comes along, and if that means I can’t physically or emotionally “be with” someone, then so be it. I’ve been way to successful to ever see myself throwing anything away.

I’d like to dedicate this post to GB who I wanted to have a real dinner with in the past, but lost my chance. I bet I’ll make you happier than any girl that comes along, but I’m going to try and avoid being that girl. Good luck, GB.