Chelsea Pill Parties

So a few weeks ago, I went to an old co-workers sexy party in Chelsea where I suspect I enjoyed a round or two of something and a glass of red.  While my old colleagues were snorting coke off the glass table on the 2^nd floor, I decided to join the impromptu strip poker game starting downstairs.  This is where I met Sam.

Sam was a friend of a friend at the party and was likely the most sober one there.  I wasn’t really attracted to him at the time.  In fact, I thought he was kind of a snob.  He didn’t really talk to anyone, and clearly thought playing strip poker was above him.  Come on bro.

Eventually, I ended up in my bra, but no one cared on account of my size negative A chest and the girl across from me who lost her bra and some dude who thought it would be okay to wear tighty whities to a pill party in Chelsea.  Whatever.  At least I had a good reason to walk around the party in my bra.  Thoroughly imbibed, I ended up on the couch talking to Sam. 

He had good conversation.  He does some financial yawn stuff down on Wall Street.  I enjoyed another glass of wine and decided that it was time to go home.  I gave Sam my number and told him to call me.  About 15 minutes later, I got a text from him asking if I wanted company.  I didn’t really want company, but it was early, and I didn’t mind having some tame dude over to watch me wash my dishes before bed.

So he comes over.  True to form, I washed my dishes while we watched some stupid comedy crap on TV.  I offered him a beer, which he happily indulged in (quick thank you to PP who is the only reason I have beer in my fridge).  I mean, after I washed my dishes, it wasn’t long before we were making out, and not too long after that in my bedroom.

So whatever, I have someone new that I’m sleeping with.  I don’t have any real problems with Sam except that while the sex is pretty great, I’m not that attracted to him.  The reason that I’m bringing this up is because while I can have had multiple mind blowing orgasms with this guy, I am not at all fully satisfied because I’m not fully attracted to him.

We don’t have much in common.  He’s conservative; I’m not (if that wasn’t obvious).  He doesn’t have much of a sense of humor in that he can’t make me laugh.  I’m not even that physically attracted to him.  I guess the real problem is that I’m too superficial to just keep this guy on tap.  I also think that I’ve been in somewhat of a drought so perhaps I just needed any old lay. 

I wanted to talk about this because despite having a sexual chemistry with someone, physical attraction includes both sexual and natural attraction.  If you don’t find a partner’s face, body, and figure attractive, then that’s only half of the attraction.  It’s that much harder to find someone you are compatible with.  And that much harder to find a permanent mate. 

In any event, my new flavor of the month is the shaggy haired emo white boys you see at top man.  If you have any that also offer mind-blowing sex, I’ll throw this Sam guy to the curve.  Without thought.

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Flirt or bust!

Suck Me Off, Assholes

What is with musicians being really hot?  I’ve been managing this pretty awesome band, and it blew my mind how good looking all the band members got after they picked up an instrument (I mean, that’s not to say they were bad looking in the first place, but you know).  I didn’t meet anyone substantial at the concert my band played at on Wednesday, but my assholes won 2^nd place, and frankly that got me off well enough.

Whatever, I probably would have taken half those bands home, and about all those chicks.  Musicians are so fucking boss, I can’t even begin to describe.  Sure I’ve had the opportunity to do a musician here and there, but there’s certainly a difference between a mainstream hip-hop artist and a rock star earring-wielding punk. 

As usual, there is no reason for me to speak about my band's success with the exception that they fucking rocked at the concert this week.  So I’ll just dive into cunninglingus (no pun intended).  I mean, as you probably know, this isn’t something that I’m really into, but I’ve gotten several requests to write about it, I'll give it a shot.

Biologically, in this day and age, it makes sense that females would prefer this method of pleasure given the extreme LOW risk of being impregnated (I mean, depending how you do it).  Whatever, I’m over trying to avoid receiving oral sex.  If a dude wants to do it, fine, but I STILL haven’t found that perfect flick of the tongue to keep me coming back for more.

So I reached out to my asshole friends who either A. lick pussy or B.  have their pussy licked and have a few tips that might help the future licker of my pussy to do a good job.  Personally, if a guy throws a wintergreen altoid in his mouth and takes his time, I’m fine (I mean as long as I’m penetrated and the guy knows how to throw down, cue rock star in my bedroom).  But besides the menthol feeling, there are several little known tips on getting a female off with your tongue.

First and foremost, always take your time.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll speak for MOST women (present company excluded), that a girl likes to be teased.  She doesn’t need to finish when you are going down on her, just take it easy and get her in the mood before you hit it with the big guns.  Trust me, once you get the girl going, it will be more fun for the both of you once you actually have sex with her.

Okay, so you just want her to finish.  Again, do NOT rush it (and this is not just my advice, plenty of my colleagues offer this advice as well).  Take your time, and pull out a gimmick (side story:  Speaking of gimmicks, when my band played on Wednesday, I spent about a minute half way through the concern wondering if we needed a gimmick.  We did NOT need one.  ROCK ON!).  Okay, so pull out a gimmick.  Use the altoids.  Or, use an ice cube.  Or sip some tea.  The mix between hot and cold is pretty awesome.  And you know what, I’ve heard this tip before and didn’t believe it, but I’ve had it tried on me and it works with nipples too, so I give it the CS approval.

Don’t act like your tongue is taking the place of a penis or a dildo.  It isn’t.  It is its own tool and has its own sensations.  No jabbing, stabbing, none of that shit.  And don’t do anything she doesn’t want to do.  Some girls like their ass played with.  Some girls like finger play.  Communication is huge, and if you can’t have a conversation with a girl you are fooling around with, stop thinking with your other head and move on.  There are plenty of females out there into kinky stuff they can communicate within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.  Trust me. 

Since this isn’t something I’m totally well versed in (shocking, I know), I urge my readers to leave tips on what really gets them off.  Orally…. or otherwise.  Thanks peach heads.    

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I do this religiously....

Salty Balls

So, has anyone read Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis?  If you haven’t, read it.  That book defines how my perfect week would pan out.  The main character, Michael McGill, is an unforgettable character who journeys through America to retrieve some sci-fi government document said to cause mass destruction. 

Enough about the book since I can’t review a book for shit.  The part I want to fast forward to is the portion of the book where Michael ends up learning about testicular saline injection (TSI).  I’m not exactly sure why this jumped out at me and buried itself deep in the confines of my fucked up mind, but I was hooked.

The short description of TSI is as follows:  men inject their scrotum with saline, inflating them to the size of a beach ball.  The saline then drains into the shaft causing an erection. I mean, that’s what they say happens.  I have yet to see it or even talk to someone who has tried it.  So I googled it and low and behold, there it was.  Also known as scrotal inflation, TSI is known as “extreme water play”.  Which is fine by me, but then that begs the question, what is known as regular water play?  The down and dirty research I did on the topic resulted in couples showering and golden showers.  Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary to me.  I asked around, and many were also pretty surprised to hear about TSI and the like.

If you read the book, Michael McGill has a female sidekick who could be a slightly more psycho version of me.  She was pretty into the TSI which threw me off because what could she get out of it besides a dick in for 7-hours.  Reading on, this chick actually participated and once again, my mind was blown.

Females are able to participate in this phenomenon as well.    The female version is known as outer labia saline injection and operates in the same way.  Females inject saline in their outer labia, which then drains into their clitoris.  This results in what I like to call “a glorified orgasm”.  From what I’ve read, your clitoris is so sensitive after the saline drains into it that any sensation can get you off.  AND, the recharge time is less than 0. 

I know it sounds really psychotic.  I mean who wants to inject their genitals for no reason?  But frankly, I know that some of you are reading this and will google this and get so immersed in the idea of it that you will be obsessed in trying it out.  And when you do, call me, I might give it a "shot".

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Cut or uncut...doesn't matter if you ask me.