Blowjob Banter

Before I started having actual intercourse, I used to fool around quite a bit.  So much so that I never really thought of myself as a full on virgin, I mean frankly, there is a reason why it’s called “oral” sex.  In any event, my version of fooling around goes anywhere from oral sex to hand jobs to penetration involving anything but an actual dick. 

So speaking of oral sex, I used to be all about it.  I could lay back and enjoy it for hours, literally.  I once had a guy who could do all kinds of business with his tongue and throw in a finger or two and make it so god damn mind-blowing (damn, I miss that guy).  Nowadays, I’m not that into it.  Could be because I found the actual dick in me penetration pretty fucking amazing, or more realistically, haven’t found someone who could give me a mind-blowing eating.

Giving oral sex, on the other hand, isn’t something I either love or hate.  I do however have rules about who I give them to, and if you are lucky enough to land in my bedroom, I’ll be happy to dictate them to you.  I also suck a mean dick but that is beside the point.

Talking with my girlfriends, we all have our special techniques on what makes a dude blow the best load of his life.  I guess we all have a special tactic that makes our suck a little special than the last, but right now, I’m going to share some secrets that guarantees a guy coming back for more.

Instead of going into the biological make-up of the male penis, let’s just all come to an agreement that it is a hot bundle of nerves.  That being said, a sensation, any sensation can cause an effect.  A tight grip with your mouth will mimic the vaginal canal so well that you guy won’t ever want to penetrate you again (so be careful with that).  Also, don't try and deep throat.  You aren't Lil Kim and you don't want to be.  Instead, take in what you can and use your hand as an extension of your mouth.  Sure your hand will get all spit-covered, but you are washing your hands after, right?

But above all else, what you really want to do is pop in two wintergreen altoids before you go down.  That shit is the best sensation you can ever have (and my friends, this works both ways, fucking trust me).  It has to be wintergreen.  Don’t use that peppermint shit, it won’t work.  And believe me, have dudes fallen to my feet after this, not to mention it makes the whole process taste better.  Am I wrong?

That all being said, I find the need to express my opinion about girls who don’t give head. We live in an evolved society where blowjobs are no longer something shunned away and hidden.  In fact, I have to say that in this day and age, if you don’t give head, get over yourself.  You’re no better than those who do, and you will likely be cheated on.  It’s a society we are living in.  And again, this goes both way fellas. 

Wow.  Pushing 2 months brings out the best in me, doesn’t it?  Someone better fucking hit this.   

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Your friend stole your girl?  Not your problem, bro. 

Good Guy's Slut Fest

I have a pair of friends that are so chemically compatible it’s kind of disgusting.  If they weren’t scurrying off 70% of the time I am with them, I’d probably be able to offer some insight into their banter, but alas I don’t.  I mean, I guess the problem here is that they aren’t laying each other.  I mean, I suspect something must have happened at some point, but it seems kind of lame right now.

I think they are both just scared of ruining the friendship.  I mean I’m a good friend of each of theirs, and it’s for a reason, they are pretty fucking awesome.  They both get along with me (and frankly, if they want to invite me for a 3-way, I’d happily oblige, just throwing that out there) so I know they aren’t sleazy out for themselves (which I realize is the opposite of me, but I know that’s why they like me). 

Okay so what the hell does this have to do with me?  Really nothing.  I just needed to state that in the hopes they’ll both read this and the gods of the internet will just fucking get them together…for some fucking.  Also, you two know whom you are, so hope you are reading this and get the fucking hint. 

A quick apology to one of my followers (he knows who he is) for now moving my conversation back to myself, to my newest prospect actually since we are talking about people who are the complete opposite of me.  If you are a follower of my blog and are clued into analysis, you are privy to my type.  The cut and dry is that I like people who are on the other side of the spectrum (1 being me, 10 being the non-psycho).  Shy, conservative, treading the line of virginity. 

There’s a new guy I have recently been hanging out with who I didn’t pay any mind to frankly because it wasn’t my prerogative at the time, but being in the comfort of my hometown, I decided to have a little fun.  Fun turned to “wow, this guy is just my type”.  I think the part I like is the predictability in the situation.  I know the guy will either be a diamond in the rough or will overcompensate for his lack of experience.  In either instance, I'll get my rocks off.   I mean the cliché answer is that I like the challenge involved in corrupting the shit out of him.  But it got me thinking that there has got to be more to it than that.  

I legit propositioned the dude to come over tonight.  I doubt he will because I haven’t had a chance to sink my claws into him, but if he does swing by, be prepared for an impromptu entry later this week about the episode.  I’ll see if he’ll let me video tape it.   Just search for “Good Guy’s Slut Fest” on SpankWire RedTube, you’ll find me. 

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Emotion versus physical connection.  It matters. 

That Shy Guy, G

In lieu of the month long drought I’ve been experiencing, my sex drive has been in full swing, on the prowl looking for the next piece of ass to hit my bedroom.  Sure, I want to sex a few of my co-workers blind, but there’s never a conference room available, so I can’t do a search and destroy (a true fantasy of mine).  I digress.  A few years ago, I dated the anxious mess that was my first supervisor ever.  I don’t think I ever told you the entire story about how I bed him, so why not do it now during my lack of dick. 

So, fresh out of graduate school, and fresh out of Philadelphia, I moved to New York City, madly in lust with Christoph.  We ended up breaking up because A.  There are too many hot guys in New York City to just let go by, and B.  I’m a big time slut.  So anyway, we broke up and I asked my supervisor, G, out.  He was a 30-something social phobic doctor, and so he was definitely not into the whole “dating a co-worker” thing.

I ended up leaving that place, and funnily enough, he did too.  About a year after we met, we finally made plans to do something on my birthday.  He met me at my place and I was still getting dressed.  But, he had something else in mind, which involved me taking off my very favorite LBD.  It didn’t matter to me, I didn’t have any panties on, and he didn’t mind that.

So, I think what was really interesting was that I pegged this guy as a virgin.  I really did.  I figured that being as social phobic as he was, he’d never get his lay on.  Boy, was I wrong (I do that sometimes, surprising, I know).  He knew his way around my body, like water drops in the shower (award for best metaphor ever).

I hate playing this game where I judge guys for being tame and lame and in reality; they are badass motherfuckers, especially in bed.  Frankly, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this (if you are a regular reader).  But it’s also clear that I have a pattern.  I’m attracted to these guys that are the complete opposite of me in hopes that I’m going to turn them to the dark side, and then boom, they put it down on me better than the one before.

I have to pull in my psych background to diagnose my sub-conscious as fucking around with my conscious.  I mean, everyone says opposites attract, but god damn is that a cliché, and I hate to be defined.  I think it’s time for me right now to stop taking myself so seriously (I mean, when have I ever, but..) and admit that maybe a part of me is a cliché and I do play stupid games with myself.  But I guess that’s what therapy is for.

Thinking about all that, I think I really like playing this game, because, the truth is, it always ends in a great lay.  Speaking of great lays, I wonder what G is up to these days…. (cue searching for his number in my phone…)

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Drunken nights aren't always a great idea. 

Attention Whores (Who Aren't Me)

I fucking hate needy girls.  Like I said, about a dozen times last weekend, they are the complete opposite of everything I believe in.  I’m such neo-feministic prick that I could barely deal with the chick in the house that would be washing the dishes while the rest of us continued to party (she knows who she is, and she’s lucky she has a cute face).

I digress.  I can go into the clichéd tirade about how we live in the 21^st century and woman are on a whole new gender platform where they can offer substantial say in just about everything.  We also can do whatever our heart desires (that even includes taking testosterone injections!).

So the thing that gets me about needy females is how a. pathetic they really are, and b. how idiotic they really sound.  This shit might fly back when our parent’s generation was around, but it is NOT acceptable in this day in age.  Not in the slightest, if you ask me. 

I spent the weekend in Chicago with a bunch of assholes I now call my friends.  I didn’t get laid, but that was mostly because I only set my eyes on sleeping with Toby who was under the weather and frankly, that was not my problem.  So that left me to socialize with these people that at the time I referred to as my virtual family.  I plan on analyzing each one of them at some point.  In a nutshell, there was nothing I observed that was totally off the wall that they won’t already know, with the exception of one person, so I am finding the need to document my findings.

Let’s call her NA.  NA was nice enough.  I guess I assumed she was successful.  And frankly, she wasn’t all that terrible looking, albeit a tad chubby.  I guess she got along with everyone in our house, so I kept my judgments about her to myself (as I did all the judgments I made about you assholes).  The problem I had with NA was that she is the complete opposite of what I live and believe in.   

If you know me at all, I have idealistic views on how women should act based on the biology we are made up of.  There’s so much more to that, I don’t even have the time to dwell on myself (shocker I know).  NA is the complete opposite of this.  She seriously is living in a fantasy world (perhaps the 1930s) where men court women in the most respectful manner in the hopes of getting married one day. 

Okay.  So I come to find out that NA was trying to set up dates/dinners/drinks for the whole time she was out there.  I can’t knock her game.  That’s certainly something I would do (had Toby not been in the picture, and had I been in dire need of getting some dick in me).  Okay so whatever, she wanted to get her shit on.  You go girl, do what you got to do.  It was clear she was just trying to get a free meal but hey, I’ll try and look past that as well.  The girl will go out on a date, till 4am, not give it up, and wonder why the guy gets mad when she doesn’t bring him back.  Bro…

Not to mention, the girls titties were all out the entire time we were at the house.  Fine.  I mean my A-cup tits were all out too, hell I flashed the house at some point (and I was pretty sober, which figures).  The problem with her tits being all out was that she didn’t even own up to it.  In fact, she would get offended when someone would point at the fact that her tits were all out.  Bro, your tits are out, you are trying to fucking fish in a dude, don’t even try to deny it.  Your ass is just trying to get attention, but only from dudes that just want to get their DICK IN YOU!

I think the bottom line was that this girl, NA, is just not self-aware.  She is a 30-something pathetic female trying to get married.  And the worst part is, that she is so high maintenance, whiney, and attention seeking, that no one is going to give her the time of day.  And I wish I could say that I feel bad, but I can’t stand females who don’t know how to act…at 30.

I think she is a great example of a female being evolutionarily weeded out.  She draws men in with the pseudo-promise of a coital act (tits all out), and then she denies the guy because she is looking for something more.  Men are NOT going to stick around if there is the hope of getting laid and boom you lose.  Ladies, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t show your tits off.  Like I said, my tits are always out, but I’m also not expecting to draw in a marriage-material guy, right?   Gold-digging your way into a guy’s heart is not conducive to a long-term (evolutionarily sound) relationship.  Fucking trust me.  Desperation is something that just about anyone can pick up on even if it’s subconsciously.  If you are desperate, you have to tread really carefully around the potential mates you are trying to attract, because they will pick up on it out and you will lose. 

While on my trip, I avoided NA like the plague.  I guess that’s why I didn’t get sick, but I also didn’t get any dick.  I blame her for that curse. 

Dedicated to my Chicago assholes.  And Toby.

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Purple Oves

So, I need to take the time to write about the phenomenon that is female blue balls.  I want to change the name to female blue vaginal tract but that just sounds too scientific so I’m going to call it purple oves.  Here’s what I’m talking about.  Sometimes (3 times a day), I find the need to rub one out.  The problem I come across is this internal “ache” that seems to occur due to the lack of penetration (unfortunately, I have yet to find a vibrator that sustains me, but that’s besides the point).

So, it gets me wondering whether I’m the only with this problem.  And I know it isn’t.  Females are just not inclined to claim they have blue balls (let alone admit they jerk off).  But whatever.  The problem is that females just don’t like to admit that they like something in them.  I only get it when I’m in heavy foreplay or I’m rubbing one out.  The minute I get penetrated, there is no reason for the feeling to come about. 

I think that people put a greater emphasis on male blue balls and fail to realize that there are women that have similar needs that fail to be met.  Evolution has developed men to be able to bust into a woman.  Failure for such “bustage” results in the age-old blue balls. 

So, why can’t females feel the same evolutionary instinct when they have lack of dick in them?  It’s not so much a question as it is a fact.  I’m fairly neo-feminist (if not totally obvious) and think that while certain double standards are appropriate, others not so much.

This all boils down to a female’s need to have sex.  Not just a need, but an inherent and biological mechanism that can actually cause pain if not fulfilled.  That all being said, I have a few postulations (don’t know if that’s a word, don’t really care).  A female can absolutely have purple oves and need to have sex.  It’s part of her biological nature.  A male can absolutely have blue balls and need to have sex.  Again, it’s part of his biological nature. 

That all being said, it isn’t a myth as much as it is a biological phenomenon that gives both sexes an actual reason to get some.  So I get a slight bother when I get questions about what to do when their mates are not providing sexually.  I’m not saying the 3-times a day bullshit I need, but even just the 3-times a week schedule.  It bothers me because there is a clear disconnect between the mates.  A.  There are likely communication issues, and B.  There is no way this relationship is going to work, if you can’t even move on the physical.

Sex is evolved to be a biological need.  If there is a disconnect (as I outlined above), then there is likely a weed out happening.  I hate saying that because you all paint pretty pictures in your head that you’re going to find the perfect girl or guy who will want to have sex or won’t want to have sex on your terms only.  It’s definitely not like that. 

So, I want to propose this.  Before you delve deep into a relationship with wining, dining, meeting the parents, taking vacations, etc.  Please be sure and make sure you are both on the same sexual needs tract.  It will save both of you some time.  Please trust me on this.

I’m dedicating this post to the pathetic women out there that think they can talk to a dude till 4am and not expect to go home with him.  Good luck with that, idiot.