I’m an asshole. I’m a hypocrite. I feel like jumping off a bridge. I quit sleeping with Pecs about two weeks ago when I realized I didn’t want to lose him to some nice girl he was eyeing. Thank god I’m rational enough to realize I had to end it before things progressed.
After the gushing and aw-ing of all my friends passed, I sat down and had some serious conversations regarding my state of mind. It’s all great and good that I’m able to stay reasonable and quit seeing this guy without being a psycho, but now what? He made it clear he isn’t interested in me, and frankly, I figured as much. I’m too much of a confident intimidating badass for him.
Whatever, I’m over it. But I think I’m in a different mindset. Sure, I still don’t agree with monogamy, but maybe there is something to having someone on call who you can not only have sex with, but perhaps a meaningful conversation thrown in between rounds.
I know. I am definitely not practicing what I preach, but I’m always one to break rules. I might have been that girl who just didn’t want to get her proverbial heart broken. I don’t ever want to be in a vulnerable state and subject myself to anything that will hurt. You see where I’m going with this? Relationships are like being in the ring. There’s always an adrenaline rush. Sometimes you have to take a break, but you let your guard down once, and you get knocked down. That’s how boxers are bred. We keep our arms up, elbows in. Defensive blocks are always in play, even when no punch is expected. We bob, we weave, and we avoid punches and clinches at any cost.
I’ve decided that I’m going to quit trying to play Black Ops. Why change my personality, when it’s gradually evolving on its own? I can have meaningful conversations with people who aren’t my best friends and family. Maybe I need to see what’s out there and “grow up” like everyone is telling me to. I’m not saying I want to settle down and have babies, but if a guy wants to wine and dine me, I might drop my elbows a little. You know, as stupid as it sounds, I’m going to dedicate this post to Pecs. If it weren’t for him, I probably wouldn’t have realized I was being such an asshole.
2 comments:
It takes guts out there - but i'm sure you got it. Good luck and keep us posted. Very interesting to see your thought pattern and what events appear to have activated these (dare i say) hibernating feelings of 'monogamy'.
i like this post and the metaphors to boxing. i agree - letting the guard down = risking getting hurt. but as warren buffet says, no risk no reward...and being the most powerful man in the world, i'd say that's good advice.
he also says 'have your eggs in several baskets' - but that's another story
good post - 2 eprops.
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