There's a First Time for Everything

Lately, a lot of virgins have been reaching out to me about advice regarding their first time in bed. I’m actually pretty flattered that of all the resources out there, I’d be the one you’d ask. All joking aside, I’ve actually come to appreciate virgins. One of my best friends is a virgin. I mean, you couldn’t tell by looking at or talking to her, but she is, and she’s awesome.

In any event, what can I really say about my first time? It was in the middle of a snowstorm, and Christoph and I were just really horny and bored, so we just went for it. It was what it was. It didn’t hurt like everyone ingrains into us growing up. Maybe there is some truth in the whole working-out-breaks-the-hymen theory. And I didn’t see fireworks, confetti, or anything mind blowing like I do now.

Now first and foremost, ladies, please know your anatomy. I’ve spoken to dozens of females who simply do not know their own anatomy. Our tax dollars at use. Okay, enough blame on the public school system (or even private for that matter). I can’t stress enough that you know your anatomy. Furthermore, its more important than just knowing how many holes you have. Know your body. Understand what makes you tick. Go back to previous post “Finish Her” and take time to investigate yourself. In the end, losing your virginity doesn’t have anything to do with orgasms and you won’t have one anyway, but it’s always good to be prepared. Ladies, bring condoms. Dudes won’t remember, and you can’t expect them to. I’ll recommend the Trojan For Her Pleasures (they are in a purple box). The ones with any type of lubricant are good, but I prefer the spermicidal lubricant (all the better to prevent any future baby martinis running around).

I hate addressing virgin dudes simply because I don’t trust them. However, I will say this much to you. Fucking relax. You get in there and pull a bang bang, homegirl will throw you out, and if she doesn’t, I’ll get the bat signal and throw your ass out myself. Even a virgin girl doesn’t want a “premature” end to her first time. If you know you’re going to bust quick, jerk off a few times that day to ensure maximum performance. Also, contrary to most advice, I’d also recommend skipping the foreplay. That shit is played out anyway. Please also know the female anatomy and what hole you’ll be landing in, if you aren’t already schooled, stop reading this, and google it. Bring condoms, females usually don’t stock up. Trojan Ribbed are what I recommend (they are in a yellow box). Again, spermicidal lubricant is preferred. The reason I recommend this one over the Ultra Thins, is simply to delay gratification. If you think you can handle having sex and not finishing too fast, invest in the Trojan Ultra Thins (they are in a dark blue box).

I mean, I think the bottom line for all parties involved is don’t stress out. Stressing out will only make it worse. Also, if you’re so concerned about getting hurt, invest in a bottle of lubricant, but be careful with that because sometimes you can be allergic and not know it, and itching down there is a pain in the ass, well a pain in the something down there.

A lot of people save themselves for the right person. I wasn’t that chick. I just couldn’t find a dude who wanted to bed a big girl. It didn’t matter; I waited a year before I gave it up to Christoph, and I wasn’t impressed with him or the act. I mean obviously things have changed, but in the end, losing your virginity is really not that serious. I will say that you should take care in losing it. It’s something you can’t take back and you’ll want to remember it as a positive experience. Perhaps, you don’t have to lose it to the bum on the corner of 23rd and 1st, but maybe your best friend could help you out one day when you’re both bored in the middle of a snowstorm.

I can guarantee that if you wait for that special someone, you WILL regret it whether you admit it or not. So, go out, lose it, and report back. This one is dedicated to all the virgins.