Dickpiphany.

I’m sleeping with a guy from twitter who has a pretty small dick. It’s not the smallest I’ve seen, but since he’s current, I thought I’d talk about it. I’ve written a post about my preference of a small dick over a big dick, but that was based on a comfort thing. I want to talk today of the evolutionary basis of the preference for a small dick.

So let me talk about the guy for a minute. I met him on twitter (I promise, its only the 2nd guy I’ve done via twitter), so I really should have known better, but I got over it because let’s face it, I’m a legend and the guy should be so lucky. Okay enough self-praise, back to the guy; let’s call him, JB. Of course JB is kind of a pansy, (which I’m finding is most of twitter and mostly what I attract, but see later blog post on the correlation between social media, aggressive women, and pansy-ass dudes). Okay, so JB is a pansy. He is pretty good looking, an engineer, and lives in the NYC/NJ Metro area. The guy lives with his parents, which I did hold against him, until I slept with him and the sex was pretty amazing, so I managed to look past it the first night…then the second night…and the next morning…. you get the point.

Okay so back to his dick, like I said, it wasn’t the smallest I’ve seen, so I was pretty content. Females are programmed to prefer a big dick and there is a simple reason for this. Since sex is the method to pro-create, a bigger (see: longer, girthier) dick is more likely to impregnate a woman’s ovulating system than a small (see: short, skinnier) dick. A big dick can reach the egg whereas a small dick cannot. Does that make sense? Biologically, women are attracted to a bigger dick because that dick can reach the egg better than a smaller one. It’s so simple.

Now, what about females like me who kick big dicks out of my apartment? I hate to sound facetious so take this as seriously as you can, but we are being evolutionary weeded out. And it totally makes sense. I don’t want to have any kids. I just took a five-minute break because I had an evolutionary epiphany and had to tell my friends. So what does all this have to do with the small dicks in my recent life? My personal market research has shown that guys that I sleep with who have small dicks are not interested in having any future offspring. Can you guess why? Because small dicks are a result of being weeded out evolutionarily! They are already biologically programmed to NOT pro-create. Mind blowing right? It makes perfect sense that a small-dick dude and a shallow-set vag (me) would be the ideal mating solution. There would be (ideally) no pro-creation, but the primal instinct to copulate could still occur. I still can’t get over it.

So I ran this by my girlfriend, Shari, who wants to get married and have kids one day. The problem is, she doesn’t prefer a big dick. Unfortunately, I put things into perspective for her (ironically, on route via the Q-train to Queens to a baby shower for a close friend). She, too, is being evolutionary weeded out. Women who don’t prefer a big dick are not biologically primed to pro-create. I hated giving Shari the bad news, but I was also in an angry mood yesterday morning, so I guess I didn’t care. Still, it was Shari and I love her more than the world.

Today I had brunch with a bunch of educated females, who I’m sure I scarred for life, but I ran this theory by. I think that no one believes my bull shit, but in the end, they all took away something and I suspect they will all report back to me their experiences with their respective dicks to determine whether my theory is sound.

I want to dedicate this post to the ladies I had brunch with today. Prove me wrong and the next brunch is on me.