Blowjob Banter

Before I started having actual intercourse, I used to fool around quite a bit.  So much so that I never really thought of myself as a full on virgin, I mean frankly, there is a reason why it’s called “oral” sex.  In any event, my version of fooling around goes anywhere from oral sex to hand jobs to penetration involving anything but an actual dick. 

So speaking of oral sex, I used to be all about it.  I could lay back and enjoy it for hours, literally.  I once had a guy who could do all kinds of business with his tongue and throw in a finger or two and make it so god damn mind-blowing (damn, I miss that guy).  Nowadays, I’m not that into it.  Could be because I found the actual dick in me penetration pretty fucking amazing, or more realistically, haven’t found someone who could give me a mind-blowing eating.

Giving oral sex, on the other hand, isn’t something I either love or hate.  I do however have rules about who I give them to, and if you are lucky enough to land in my bedroom, I’ll be happy to dictate them to you.  I also suck a mean dick but that is beside the point.

Talking with my girlfriends, we all have our special techniques on what makes a dude blow the best load of his life.  I guess we all have a special tactic that makes our suck a little special than the last, but right now, I’m going to share some secrets that guarantees a guy coming back for more.

Instead of going into the biological make-up of the male penis, let’s just all come to an agreement that it is a hot bundle of nerves.  That being said, a sensation, any sensation can cause an effect.  A tight grip with your mouth will mimic the vaginal canal so well that you guy won’t ever want to penetrate you again (so be careful with that).  Also, don't try and deep throat.  You aren't Lil Kim and you don't want to be.  Instead, take in what you can and use your hand as an extension of your mouth.  Sure your hand will get all spit-covered, but you are washing your hands after, right?

But above all else, what you really want to do is pop in two wintergreen altoids before you go down.  That shit is the best sensation you can ever have (and my friends, this works both ways, fucking trust me).  It has to be wintergreen.  Don’t use that peppermint shit, it won’t work.  And believe me, have dudes fallen to my feet after this, not to mention it makes the whole process taste better.  Am I wrong?

That all being said, I find the need to express my opinion about girls who don’t give head. We live in an evolved society where blowjobs are no longer something shunned away and hidden.  In fact, I have to say that in this day and age, if you don’t give head, get over yourself.  You’re no better than those who do, and you will likely be cheated on.  It’s a society we are living in.  And again, this goes both way fellas. 

Wow.  Pushing 2 months brings out the best in me, doesn’t it?  Someone better fucking hit this.   

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Your friend stole your girl?  Not your problem, bro. 

Good Guy's Slut Fest

I have a pair of friends that are so chemically compatible it’s kind of disgusting.  If they weren’t scurrying off 70% of the time I am with them, I’d probably be able to offer some insight into their banter, but alas I don’t.  I mean, I guess the problem here is that they aren’t laying each other.  I mean, I suspect something must have happened at some point, but it seems kind of lame right now.

I think they are both just scared of ruining the friendship.  I mean I’m a good friend of each of theirs, and it’s for a reason, they are pretty fucking awesome.  They both get along with me (and frankly, if they want to invite me for a 3-way, I’d happily oblige, just throwing that out there) so I know they aren’t sleazy out for themselves (which I realize is the opposite of me, but I know that’s why they like me). 

Okay so what the hell does this have to do with me?  Really nothing.  I just needed to state that in the hopes they’ll both read this and the gods of the internet will just fucking get them together…for some fucking.  Also, you two know whom you are, so hope you are reading this and get the fucking hint. 

A quick apology to one of my followers (he knows who he is) for now moving my conversation back to myself, to my newest prospect actually since we are talking about people who are the complete opposite of me.  If you are a follower of my blog and are clued into analysis, you are privy to my type.  The cut and dry is that I like people who are on the other side of the spectrum (1 being me, 10 being the non-psycho).  Shy, conservative, treading the line of virginity. 

There’s a new guy I have recently been hanging out with who I didn’t pay any mind to frankly because it wasn’t my prerogative at the time, but being in the comfort of my hometown, I decided to have a little fun.  Fun turned to “wow, this guy is just my type”.  I think the part I like is the predictability in the situation.  I know the guy will either be a diamond in the rough or will overcompensate for his lack of experience.  In either instance, I'll get my rocks off.   I mean the cliché answer is that I like the challenge involved in corrupting the shit out of him.  But it got me thinking that there has got to be more to it than that.  

I legit propositioned the dude to come over tonight.  I doubt he will because I haven’t had a chance to sink my claws into him, but if he does swing by, be prepared for an impromptu entry later this week about the episode.  I’ll see if he’ll let me video tape it.   Just search for “Good Guy’s Slut Fest” on SpankWire RedTube, you’ll find me. 

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Emotion versus physical connection.  It matters. 

That Shy Guy, G

In lieu of the month long drought I’ve been experiencing, my sex drive has been in full swing, on the prowl looking for the next piece of ass to hit my bedroom.  Sure, I want to sex a few of my co-workers blind, but there’s never a conference room available, so I can’t do a search and destroy (a true fantasy of mine).  I digress.  A few years ago, I dated the anxious mess that was my first supervisor ever.  I don’t think I ever told you the entire story about how I bed him, so why not do it now during my lack of dick. 

So, fresh out of graduate school, and fresh out of Philadelphia, I moved to New York City, madly in lust with Christoph.  We ended up breaking up because A.  There are too many hot guys in New York City to just let go by, and B.  I’m a big time slut.  So anyway, we broke up and I asked my supervisor, G, out.  He was a 30-something social phobic doctor, and so he was definitely not into the whole “dating a co-worker” thing.

I ended up leaving that place, and funnily enough, he did too.  About a year after we met, we finally made plans to do something on my birthday.  He met me at my place and I was still getting dressed.  But, he had something else in mind, which involved me taking off my very favorite LBD.  It didn’t matter to me, I didn’t have any panties on, and he didn’t mind that.

So, I think what was really interesting was that I pegged this guy as a virgin.  I really did.  I figured that being as social phobic as he was, he’d never get his lay on.  Boy, was I wrong (I do that sometimes, surprising, I know).  He knew his way around my body, like water drops in the shower (award for best metaphor ever).

I hate playing this game where I judge guys for being tame and lame and in reality; they are badass motherfuckers, especially in bed.  Frankly, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this (if you are a regular reader).  But it’s also clear that I have a pattern.  I’m attracted to these guys that are the complete opposite of me in hopes that I’m going to turn them to the dark side, and then boom, they put it down on me better than the one before.

I have to pull in my psych background to diagnose my sub-conscious as fucking around with my conscious.  I mean, everyone says opposites attract, but god damn is that a cliché, and I hate to be defined.  I think it’s time for me right now to stop taking myself so seriously (I mean, when have I ever, but..) and admit that maybe a part of me is a cliché and I do play stupid games with myself.  But I guess that’s what therapy is for.

Thinking about all that, I think I really like playing this game, because, the truth is, it always ends in a great lay.  Speaking of great lays, I wonder what G is up to these days…. (cue searching for his number in my phone…)

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Drunken nights aren't always a great idea. 

Attention Whores (Who Aren't Me)

I fucking hate needy girls.  Like I said, about a dozen times last weekend, they are the complete opposite of everything I believe in.  I’m such neo-feministic prick that I could barely deal with the chick in the house that would be washing the dishes while the rest of us continued to party (she knows who she is, and she’s lucky she has a cute face).

I digress.  I can go into the clichéd tirade about how we live in the 21^st century and woman are on a whole new gender platform where they can offer substantial say in just about everything.  We also can do whatever our heart desires (that even includes taking testosterone injections!).

So the thing that gets me about needy females is how a. pathetic they really are, and b. how idiotic they really sound.  This shit might fly back when our parent’s generation was around, but it is NOT acceptable in this day in age.  Not in the slightest, if you ask me. 

I spent the weekend in Chicago with a bunch of assholes I now call my friends.  I didn’t get laid, but that was mostly because I only set my eyes on sleeping with Toby who was under the weather and frankly, that was not my problem.  So that left me to socialize with these people that at the time I referred to as my virtual family.  I plan on analyzing each one of them at some point.  In a nutshell, there was nothing I observed that was totally off the wall that they won’t already know, with the exception of one person, so I am finding the need to document my findings.

Let’s call her NA.  NA was nice enough.  I guess I assumed she was successful.  And frankly, she wasn’t all that terrible looking, albeit a tad chubby.  I guess she got along with everyone in our house, so I kept my judgments about her to myself (as I did all the judgments I made about you assholes).  The problem I had with NA was that she is the complete opposite of what I live and believe in.   

If you know me at all, I have idealistic views on how women should act based on the biology we are made up of.  There’s so much more to that, I don’t even have the time to dwell on myself (shocker I know).  NA is the complete opposite of this.  She seriously is living in a fantasy world (perhaps the 1930s) where men court women in the most respectful manner in the hopes of getting married one day. 

Okay.  So I come to find out that NA was trying to set up dates/dinners/drinks for the whole time she was out there.  I can’t knock her game.  That’s certainly something I would do (had Toby not been in the picture, and had I been in dire need of getting some dick in me).  Okay so whatever, she wanted to get her shit on.  You go girl, do what you got to do.  It was clear she was just trying to get a free meal but hey, I’ll try and look past that as well.  The girl will go out on a date, till 4am, not give it up, and wonder why the guy gets mad when she doesn’t bring him back.  Bro…

Not to mention, the girls titties were all out the entire time we were at the house.  Fine.  I mean my A-cup tits were all out too, hell I flashed the house at some point (and I was pretty sober, which figures).  The problem with her tits being all out was that she didn’t even own up to it.  In fact, she would get offended when someone would point at the fact that her tits were all out.  Bro, your tits are out, you are trying to fucking fish in a dude, don’t even try to deny it.  Your ass is just trying to get attention, but only from dudes that just want to get their DICK IN YOU!

I think the bottom line was that this girl, NA, is just not self-aware.  She is a 30-something pathetic female trying to get married.  And the worst part is, that she is so high maintenance, whiney, and attention seeking, that no one is going to give her the time of day.  And I wish I could say that I feel bad, but I can’t stand females who don’t know how to act…at 30.

I think she is a great example of a female being evolutionarily weeded out.  She draws men in with the pseudo-promise of a coital act (tits all out), and then she denies the guy because she is looking for something more.  Men are NOT going to stick around if there is the hope of getting laid and boom you lose.  Ladies, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t show your tits off.  Like I said, my tits are always out, but I’m also not expecting to draw in a marriage-material guy, right?   Gold-digging your way into a guy’s heart is not conducive to a long-term (evolutionarily sound) relationship.  Fucking trust me.  Desperation is something that just about anyone can pick up on even if it’s subconsciously.  If you are desperate, you have to tread really carefully around the potential mates you are trying to attract, because they will pick up on it out and you will lose. 

While on my trip, I avoided NA like the plague.  I guess that’s why I didn’t get sick, but I also didn’t get any dick.  I blame her for that curse. 

Dedicated to my Chicago assholes.  And Toby.

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Purple Oves

So, I need to take the time to write about the phenomenon that is female blue balls.  I want to change the name to female blue vaginal tract but that just sounds too scientific so I’m going to call it purple oves.  Here’s what I’m talking about.  Sometimes (3 times a day), I find the need to rub one out.  The problem I come across is this internal “ache” that seems to occur due to the lack of penetration (unfortunately, I have yet to find a vibrator that sustains me, but that’s besides the point).

So, it gets me wondering whether I’m the only with this problem.  And I know it isn’t.  Females are just not inclined to claim they have blue balls (let alone admit they jerk off).  But whatever.  The problem is that females just don’t like to admit that they like something in them.  I only get it when I’m in heavy foreplay or I’m rubbing one out.  The minute I get penetrated, there is no reason for the feeling to come about. 

I think that people put a greater emphasis on male blue balls and fail to realize that there are women that have similar needs that fail to be met.  Evolution has developed men to be able to bust into a woman.  Failure for such “bustage” results in the age-old blue balls. 

So, why can’t females feel the same evolutionary instinct when they have lack of dick in them?  It’s not so much a question as it is a fact.  I’m fairly neo-feminist (if not totally obvious) and think that while certain double standards are appropriate, others not so much.

This all boils down to a female’s need to have sex.  Not just a need, but an inherent and biological mechanism that can actually cause pain if not fulfilled.  That all being said, I have a few postulations (don’t know if that’s a word, don’t really care).  A female can absolutely have purple oves and need to have sex.  It’s part of her biological nature.  A male can absolutely have blue balls and need to have sex.  Again, it’s part of his biological nature. 

That all being said, it isn’t a myth as much as it is a biological phenomenon that gives both sexes an actual reason to get some.  So I get a slight bother when I get questions about what to do when their mates are not providing sexually.  I’m not saying the 3-times a day bullshit I need, but even just the 3-times a week schedule.  It bothers me because there is a clear disconnect between the mates.  A.  There are likely communication issues, and B.  There is no way this relationship is going to work, if you can’t even move on the physical.

Sex is evolved to be a biological need.  If there is a disconnect (as I outlined above), then there is likely a weed out happening.  I hate saying that because you all paint pretty pictures in your head that you’re going to find the perfect girl or guy who will want to have sex or won’t want to have sex on your terms only.  It’s definitely not like that. 

So, I want to propose this.  Before you delve deep into a relationship with wining, dining, meeting the parents, taking vacations, etc.  Please be sure and make sure you are both on the same sexual needs tract.  It will save both of you some time.  Please trust me on this.

I’m dedicating this post to the pathetic women out there that think they can talk to a dude till 4am and not expect to go home with him.  Good luck with that, idiot.    

Face Down. Ass Up. Choke.

So this weekend, my friend PP disappeared off the face of the planet, so I was left to fend for myself.  Given the grave state of my number of friends, I called up one of my friends, John, to entertain me.  Before you jump to the obvious conclusion that he was in me for the weekend, he was not.  John is actually a great friend of mine, rather tame, but honest enough to keep me honest, at least for the short time he was with me.

In any event, I had John join me for some weekend drinks, dinner, and shoot the shit.  It was great to catch up with him since he missed my birthday and I missed him when he was in town.  It was pretty interesting to hear him talk about a latest chick in his life. 

I’m always very defensive when it comes to any chick one of my guys wants to bring around.  My mantra is always ‘guilty until proven innocent’, so I was ready to rip into this chick.  However, I was actually pleasantly surprised at the information provided. 

Apparently, John and this chick have been fooling around for about a week.  They haven’t had sex yet, but she has informed him that she is into unorthodox sexual activities.  So I had to feed him a couple of his favorite margaritas to pry the information from him.

This girl is up for anything.  S&M, choking, tying up, I won’t even go into the conversation we had about the zucchinis and cucumbers.  So the girl was someone after my own heart.  What was the big deal right?  The big deal is that it was John who was attracted to her.

Like I said, John is a tame guy.  He is a legitimate good guy.  I mean, I get that opposites attract, there’s obviously a reason he and I are friends, but I started wondering how that all works in bed.  I have had some tame guys in my bed (mostly because I’m stronger than all of them).  I’m into some freakish things, and frankly, don’t introduce it right off the bat given the unusual nature of my kinks.

But how do you have a conversation about these things?  I’m obviously a big proponent of communication, so my first instinct would be to just ask a guy (or girl) what s/he is into.  I think that a lot of people are afraid to do this because you put your kinks on the table and it might scare someone off.  I mean its true, but frankly, do you want to be with someone who can’t share in your love of a nipple clamp?

Okay, so when is the right time to bring something like this up?  I mean, John is 5 days into this thing and he’s already wondering whether he should get a cucumber or a zucchini.  I’ve brought up my nuances with a couple of guys, but like I said, the dudes were too tame to satisfy me. 

My theory is that these tame guys are usually into tame girls, but while they’re “sowing their oats”, they find girls like me (and John’s girl) who give them what they won’t be able to experience in the future.  They’re biologically secure with these girls because they aren’t trying to get impregnated nor are they trying to foster a relationship.  It’s pure unadulterated sex.  (And frankly, my favorite kind of sex).  Once they’ve gotten a feel of the wild side, they will settle down with their fellow tame girls (girls I loathe) and make a pack of tame kids. 

I’ve kind of gone all over the place here, but I want to leave you with a few questions.  Are you into a weird fetish or kink?  If so, and you are in a relationship, does your partner share in it?  And if not, do you let your partners know right off the bat, or later down the line?  In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and enjoy my zucchini casserole. 

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Cheaters Always Propser

The last few guys I’ve slept with have either had a girlfriend or were married.  That makes me the mistress, which is a role that I’m actually more than comfortable playing, mostly because I’m a legitimate sociopath.  In all seriousness though, I have several friends who actually have a conscience and would NEVER do such a thing.  While I’ve written about this situation before, I thought it would be nice to do a deep dive as requested by some of my protégés.

There’s a double standard between being a male mistress (maletress?) vs. a female mistress.  We mostly hear of the scandalous tales of the mistress disrupting the perfect union between some wack ass dude and his unassuming girlfriend.  I mean there is a reason a guy will cheat on his girlfriend, and it’s because the trick is stupid, boring, and naive. 

Treading on that for a minute, you’ll also notice the drastic differences between the cheated and cheatee.  Generally speaking, people are more likely to cheat on their mates with someone who is less likely to commit to them in the long run. 

I condone cheating.  I think I’ve made that pretty clear.  Men will always cheat.  They need to because being “faithful” is not conducive to their gene perpetuation.  The mistress is a man’s best-kept secret.  Most of my male friends have or have had their own chick on the side, and I always end up judging the girl as a bitch ass waste of space.    

To be honest, even though I’ve played the role, it’s a stupid role to play, but only for females who think they will manage a relationship out of the situation.  The problem is, however, is that the guy will never leave his girlfriend.  And even if he does, he’ll go ahead and do it again, and this time it’s worse because he’s doing it to you.  On the other hand, if you are just passing time, and don’t expect anything but a physical “bang bang”, then hell, go for it.

There is likely no evolutionary reason for a mistress to stay in this union.  I mean, she’s probably thinking that in some respect, the guy will provide some sort of resource or genetic superiority, but he’s already going to be dispensing his resources elsewhere, so technically there is no point.  Going back to my conscience-toting friends, most just don’t want the karma to come back and bite them in the ass.  Not to mention preserving the “sanctity of marriage” bullshit.

Get real.  I always go back to the same argument.  Marriage is unnatural.  Commitment is unnatural.  How can the population perpetuate, if historically, our ancestors didn’t cheat on their mates?  I guess what it comes down to is that being a mistress/maletress shouldn’t really be considered such a shameful taboo.  It’s a natural part of selection.   So if there are any dudes out there that want to select me as their mistress, feel free to ask me for my number. 

...tbc.

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Easy, Girl.

I’m one horny motherfucker. I’m glued to my television, watching CNN, and growing increasingly restless at the thought of being stuck indoors because of this stupid storm. And all I want is someone to come over to keep me occupied before I lose my mind (I mean, too late for that).

So my mind wanders to about a few weeks ago, when I agreed to go on a date with a friend of a friend, who I’ll call “Nooner” for obvious reasons. Nooner and I had a lot in common so we were able to sustain conversation for the entire duration of our standard drinks and dinner. After we were thoroughly imbibed, I invited him over to really just shoot the shit (but truth be told, if I invite you over, you pretty much win). And really, you can guess what happened next.

It got me thinking about having sex on a first date. If you are anything like me (and god help you if you are), there is no such thing as waiting for a second date to have sex. But of course, I’m a psychotic exception, so I posed the question to my esteemed colleagues and loyal twitter followers. And true to form, I received arguments for both sides of the story.

I can talk about sexual compatibility for days on end, because that’s really what it comes down to. Sexual compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility, if not more so. If you are going to sit down and have a conversation with a potential mate to see if you are emotionally compatible, why not see where the night ends up and perhaps turn it into a fuck fest in your bedroom.

I mean I guess I just don’t understand the counter argument. There’s a stigma around having sex on the first date. Mostly with females, but in some occasions with males too. People want to foster a relationship and make sure they are compatible before giving it all up. I mean I get it, but does no one believe in the idea of sexual compatibility? I’m not by any means saying that you should just meet someone and have sex, but I don’t think you should hold yourself back if the chemistry is there.

From what I gather, males think to tend think a female is easy if she sleeps with him on a first date. Fine. But why does it have such a negative connotation? The girl is just trying to see if she’s compatible. Why not be easy? Or for that matter, why not be fast? Is it really so demeaning?

Males always have an easier time with sex on a first date because they are always ready to go. I mean, I’m generalizing, but if there is a male out there who doesn’t feel that way, he’s being weeded out (and I dare you to prove me wrong). Males are always willing to have sex on a first date, they’re just trying to spread their seed around, so it’s natural, primal, all that other shit I preach to world’s end.

Back to Nooner, I had sex with him on the first night I met him, shamelessly and damn was it good. If you know me at all, I hate dating. I think it’s archaic and unnatural, but hey I’m also being evolutionarily weeded out. Anyway, I’d be interested in keeping Nooner around for a bit (despite his 7 inches), if he’d ever return my propositions (clearly I’m hoping he’ll read this and get the hint).

Truth be told, if I was into dating, I might give Nooner a chance. But he might just end up thinking I’m easy.

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The Importance of Coming

Orgasms are evolutionarily evolved. So when someone tells me that they are overrated, I flip my shit. I mean, lets forget for a second that I have anger management issues. Male or female, who in their right mind would forgo the epic sensation that is the orgasm? Have you read my recent post how there is no point in having sex if you aren’t going to orgasm? It’s biologically and physically necessary.

So I posed this question to my increasingly sex hungry colleagues. Is an orgasm really necessary in a coital relationship? The response was overwhelming. Under no circumstance should a person deny himself or herself an orgasm. Now there are always the exceptions to the rule. Some people (a VERY small percentage) are not even physically capable of having an orgasm while others have never even experienced one.

That all being said while I’m not an advocate of having sex without an orgasm, I can understand the justification of someone faking an orgasm (and I’m not just talking about females here, males have also been known to fake an ejaculation). Faking an orgasm is actually one of the most primitive mate retention tactics. The evolutionary basis behind an orgasm is the mechanism it provides in propelling the sperm up to the uterine wall (both male and female orgasms are evolved in this method). A woman’s vagina contracts allowing fluids to flow into her uterus, while a male’s “squirting” ejaculation is meant to propel sperm to the uterus. Hand in hand, sperm to egg is such an easy task to overcome. Luckily for us, it is one of the most pleasurable experiences in life, if not the MOST pleasurable.

Going back to mate retention, it’s a female’s primal duty to ensure her mate doesn’t stray to some other random red-head broad down the street. To ensure he doesn’t inseminate another female and expend his resources elsewhere. However, if a woman isn’t achieving orgasm, it decreases her chances of procreating so she will go elsewhere to find a mate who will appropriately “squirt” into her. Conversely, if a male can’t get off, he’ll go elsewhere to find a more pleasurable mate (and honestly that female usually ends up being me).

This sexual incompatibility will result in mate retention problems (i.e. cheating, cuckoldry, etc). And all because of a measly orgasm. Not so overrated, don’t you think? So look, I get what she’s trying to say. She has a lot in common with this guy, they get along, he can provide for her and her prerogative, he holds her hand, yada yada yada, but the bottom line is if he can’t get her off, the relationship is doomed.

Furthermore, there is no reason to fake an orgasm. You fake it once, you’ll fake it for the rest of your time with your mate until you break up or cheat. Sex is the root of life. There is a biological basis behind the pleasure involved in the orgasm and if you can’t achieve it, there is really no point in the act itself. The orgasm isn’t by any means overrated. It’s a tool, a mechanism in the process of procreation.

I haven’t had the need (knock on wood) to EVER fake an orgasm. I have been blessed (and perhaps cursed) to be able to finish fast and often. That being said, I’m still single, and it goes to show you that sexual compatibility is just part of the bigger picture.

That was certainly a mouthful. Time to rub one out.

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Alone in Manhattan

Please find an intriguing piece written by a friend of mine published on sikhchic.com!