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Living situations in a relationship. 

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I'm sure you know my preach.

The Legality of Philias

One of the coolest things I’m known for is the ability to diagnose my friends.  Everyone will pile into my tiny Manhattan apartment for my famous drinks and dessert party, we shoot the shit and before you know it, my DSM is out and I’m pointing out the histrionic, the bipolar, or the psychopath in the group (all of which are me).  The DSM is by far one of my favorite books.  Sure its more a text book than anything else, but if you’ve ever cracked one open, you might as well be reading a set of short stories about random disorders that you never even knew existed.

The other day, I was watching my Law & Order:  Special Victims Unit (favorite show ever), and it was the episode where Stabler finds out his daughter’s picture is on a pedophile website and he flips his shit.  Naturally, I pulled out my DSM to look up the disorder known as Pedophilia.  I flipped through other deviant behavior getting to the page (fetishism, sadism, etc) detailing the behavior.

I mean, the real reason I looked it up was because the extreme stigma attached to the disorder.  Most, if not all people regard this as one of the most disdainful behaviors in the world.  But of course, being as impartial as I possibly could, I started to think about these people. 

I can’t judge them the way that I am.  There is a reason that Pedophilia (and all philias) is listed in the DSM.  Simple neuronal misfires and abnormal brain development could be simple explanations for such deviant behavior.  And sure, it isn’t right, but we treat all kinds of things like cancer, HIV, and the like.  Can we really judge them for being who they are?  If they are just hard wired like that, it’s not their fault.  Sure, it’s gross disgusting, but if they can’t help it, then its like saying a cancer patient could avoid cancer. 

I mean, and this extends beyond pedophilia.  What about the other philias?  S&M is revered with underground dungeons (stay tuned for a future piece on my experience as a dungeoness).  Voyeurism is all across the Internet with spy cams etc.  If all philias are lumped into one category, then technically all are deviant acts that should be shamed upon.  Right?

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is why these behaviors are all lumped together when there is a clear distinction between what is legal hard wired behavior and what is illegal hard wired behavior.  It should really be all or none. 

Before we all get our panties in a bunch about what is a true sexual dysfunction and what isn’t, I should mention that there is a new version of the DSM coming out.  I don’t know the details about what is changing, but there are certainly changes, so who knows.  Maybe my concerns will be alleviated and I won’t go through life wondering if my S&M behavior should be classified as illegal. 

What I’m really interested in knowing is what my reader’s opinions are.  Do you think that pedophilia should be classified as a separate behavior?  Do you think it’s a hard-wired behavior or a learned behavior?  Do you think it’s treatable?  What about other philias?  Where does that leave the vast majority of people who live by legal philias?  Is it fair?  Leave a comment or 12.

A Call For Sex

I can never get past the fact that things relating to sex and sexual relationships are so hush hush.  Its really like Plato really was a dictator and all the artifacts from his teachings are still around today.  Seriously?  And I am so frustrated with philosophers in general being put on this pedestal where they are worshipped, and will be worshipped, till the end of time.  And yet, current day philosophers, true philosophers, are far and few between. 

I forgot I was talking about sex for a second, so need to take a step back.  If you know me (and chances are, you do), my sex life is more of an open book then the rest of my life.  Maybe that is a bit extreme, but again (if you know me), you know that I live my life by science and law, and there is nothing more sincere than Dr. Charles Darwin, Dr. Steven Pinker, and Dr. Sigmund Freud.  I don’t think any of them are doctors, to be honest, but I don’t really care.  They all might as well have medical degrees with the shit they preach.

Sure there have been times I’ve had sex with a dude and haven’t had much to say about it, but truth be told its because there is nothing to say about it, and you don’t want that.  If the sex isn’t spectacular, it never will be, and you will be doomed to fail, unless upon some miracle, you received clear direction on what needs improvement.  And let’s face it, no women is going to tell you what needs improvement (again because Plato shuns us on talking about anything sex-related), she’ll just move on to the next one, and you can’t blame her because that’s just how it is.

And what bothers me even more is how some people are so hypocritical about sex.  It’s like certain aspects you can talk about, but certain aspects you can’t.  What’s the deal with that?  Why can’t it all just be open for conversation?  Privacy can only account for so much (recent article available on the dis-evolution of privacy).

So back to me, since this is my blog.  It’s clear I’m open about my sex life, and I’m hoping to pass the baton on to my fellow readers.  That being said, I’m looking forward to seeing my OWN philosophical and diabolical theories come to life in the form of my fans own stories, tips, and the like.  And so lets call this post really what it is, a call to action for your own experiences that even I may call shocking (and trust me, there isn’t much that shocks me).   

Get out of your mothers basements and give me something to talk about. 

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Sex in Mumbai

I haven’t gotten any in a long time.  Needless to say, if I’m following Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief model, I’m currently in the bargaining stage.  It’s not for lack of trying.  Nooner and I have been trying to get together and about half of my loyal following wants to screw me. 

That being said, I recently came back from a trip to India.  If you know me, I was more than apprehensive about the trip, anxious that the village would suck me up and I’d have to pee in the dirt.  It was fine.  I was just being a drama queen about the situation. 

I guess my real hold up was how different “they” are versus me.  That their lifestyle would be a polar opposite from mine and frankly, I wouldn’t be accepted.  Sure I wasn’t accepted, but their lifestyle was not too far off from mine.  Being the American novelty, I decided to harness what I could and find out what my homeland’s current inhabitants were all about.

A few people I met were self-proclaimed Bollywood elite, but since you are always guilty until proven innocent with me, I was fine.  It seems that the question about sex and sexuality brings out the same reaction around the locals and what it does to my assholes back home.  I was intrigued. 

So whether or not I tapped into a very rare population (which may be true considering the circumstances), my further probes on the pervasiveness of sexual conversations, fetishes, prostitution and the like were not only discussed at length, but featured several opinions NOT unlike my own.  I was more than intrigued. I was floored.

People, both men and women, were not only sexually active, but more than happy to have a conversation with a total stranger about it (being American helped, I suppose).  After I came clean on my credentials, the real questions presented (with the majority revolving around oral sex in case you were curious).  My only regret was that I wish I had more time and made more friends to further my research on the topic, but in the meantime I was sold.

Maybe I took the third world discrimination, stereotyping a little too far, but in the end, despite the economic state of our hometowns, we shared a common interest that shattered my homesickness and allowed me to express myself in a way I didn’t think I could, in the motherland.

That all being said, I didn’t have sex while I was there.  I was warned about that ahead of time, but it’s nice to know that if I had pursued, I wouldn’t have been shunned.  At least not by everyone.  To my readers in the motherland, email me, I'd love to have a guest blogger or two.

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Scheduling issues?  It may not always be a schedule. 

Cheat On Her With Me.

If you are insecure, you are being evolutionarily weeded out.  So ladies (and dudes), if you are playing those foolish jealous asshole games, stop it.  I’m really tired of hearing about it from you even more tired boyfriends.  Also I’m tired of hooking up with them just because they are getting bored with you and your idiotic shenanigans. 

So this guy I’m hooking up with tells me about his girlfriend who is the most insecure piece of crap I’ve ever heard of.  Usually, I feel bad for the girlfriends of the dudes I hook up with (no really, I do), but this chick, took the cake.  She was one of those females who take the good away from the term “psycho”. 

I can’t stand that this guy is such a pansy that he can’t just stand up to his girlfriend and tell her what the issue is.  Clearly I’m not any kind of standard that he wants in his life, with the exception of the sexual satisfaction, so he’s not trying to be with me (thank god).  But then what the hell?

I have sex-ed this kid blind and he’s still coming back complaining about this girl (almost said bitch) he’s with.  I stay trying to convince him to break up with her because it’s clear she can’t satisfy his needs and for some reason he says he “loves her” and yet…his dick is in me.  Bro.

If you are in a situation where you need to seek someone else to sexually satisfy for yourself, then it’s clear that you are not compatible.  So end it now before it gets bad for you both of you.  Am I wrong?  No honestly, I’m so tired of telling people that you need to be both emotionally and sexually satisfied in a relationship for it to work.  Show me one relationship, where only one of those makes it work.  You can’t. 

So, I mean, I hate to be redundant, but drop your insecure partners.  They aren’t worth the trouble since you’ll probably cheat on them anyway.  And I’m saying “partners” because this can go either way.  Girls and guys are susceptible to cheating on their mates to get what they need from someone else. 

Okay anyway, so while this guy’s girl is out of town, I’m going to do him.  See you fools later.   

Chelsea Pill Parties

So a few weeks ago, I went to an old co-workers sexy party in Chelsea where I suspect I enjoyed a round or two of something and a glass of red.  While my old colleagues were snorting coke off the glass table on the 2^nd floor, I decided to join the impromptu strip poker game starting downstairs.  This is where I met Sam.

Sam was a friend of a friend at the party and was likely the most sober one there.  I wasn’t really attracted to him at the time.  In fact, I thought he was kind of a snob.  He didn’t really talk to anyone, and clearly thought playing strip poker was above him.  Come on bro.

Eventually, I ended up in my bra, but no one cared on account of my size negative A chest and the girl across from me who lost her bra and some dude who thought it would be okay to wear tighty whities to a pill party in Chelsea.  Whatever.  At least I had a good reason to walk around the party in my bra.  Thoroughly imbibed, I ended up on the couch talking to Sam. 

He had good conversation.  He does some financial yawn stuff down on Wall Street.  I enjoyed another glass of wine and decided that it was time to go home.  I gave Sam my number and told him to call me.  About 15 minutes later, I got a text from him asking if I wanted company.  I didn’t really want company, but it was early, and I didn’t mind having some tame dude over to watch me wash my dishes before bed.

So he comes over.  True to form, I washed my dishes while we watched some stupid comedy crap on TV.  I offered him a beer, which he happily indulged in (quick thank you to PP who is the only reason I have beer in my fridge).  I mean, after I washed my dishes, it wasn’t long before we were making out, and not too long after that in my bedroom.

So whatever, I have someone new that I’m sleeping with.  I don’t have any real problems with Sam except that while the sex is pretty great, I’m not that attracted to him.  The reason that I’m bringing this up is because while I can have had multiple mind blowing orgasms with this guy, I am not at all fully satisfied because I’m not fully attracted to him.

We don’t have much in common.  He’s conservative; I’m not (if that wasn’t obvious).  He doesn’t have much of a sense of humor in that he can’t make me laugh.  I’m not even that physically attracted to him.  I guess the real problem is that I’m too superficial to just keep this guy on tap.  I also think that I’ve been in somewhat of a drought so perhaps I just needed any old lay. 

I wanted to talk about this because despite having a sexual chemistry with someone, physical attraction includes both sexual and natural attraction.  If you don’t find a partner’s face, body, and figure attractive, then that’s only half of the attraction.  It’s that much harder to find someone you are compatible with.  And that much harder to find a permanent mate. 

In any event, my new flavor of the month is the shaggy haired emo white boys you see at top man.  If you have any that also offer mind-blowing sex, I’ll throw this Sam guy to the curve.  Without thought.

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Flirt or bust!

Suck Me Off, Assholes

What is with musicians being really hot?  I’ve been managing this pretty awesome band, and it blew my mind how good looking all the band members got after they picked up an instrument (I mean, that’s not to say they were bad looking in the first place, but you know).  I didn’t meet anyone substantial at the concert my band played at on Wednesday, but my assholes won 2^nd place, and frankly that got me off well enough.

Whatever, I probably would have taken half those bands home, and about all those chicks.  Musicians are so fucking boss, I can’t even begin to describe.  Sure I’ve had the opportunity to do a musician here and there, but there’s certainly a difference between a mainstream hip-hop artist and a rock star earring-wielding punk. 

As usual, there is no reason for me to speak about my band's success with the exception that they fucking rocked at the concert this week.  So I’ll just dive into cunninglingus (no pun intended).  I mean, as you probably know, this isn’t something that I’m really into, but I’ve gotten several requests to write about it, I'll give it a shot.

Biologically, in this day and age, it makes sense that females would prefer this method of pleasure given the extreme LOW risk of being impregnated (I mean, depending how you do it).  Whatever, I’m over trying to avoid receiving oral sex.  If a dude wants to do it, fine, but I STILL haven’t found that perfect flick of the tongue to keep me coming back for more.

So I reached out to my asshole friends who either A. lick pussy or B.  have their pussy licked and have a few tips that might help the future licker of my pussy to do a good job.  Personally, if a guy throws a wintergreen altoid in his mouth and takes his time, I’m fine (I mean as long as I’m penetrated and the guy knows how to throw down, cue rock star in my bedroom).  But besides the menthol feeling, there are several little known tips on getting a female off with your tongue.

First and foremost, always take your time.  I’ve said it before, but I’ll speak for MOST women (present company excluded), that a girl likes to be teased.  She doesn’t need to finish when you are going down on her, just take it easy and get her in the mood before you hit it with the big guns.  Trust me, once you get the girl going, it will be more fun for the both of you once you actually have sex with her.

Okay, so you just want her to finish.  Again, do NOT rush it (and this is not just my advice, plenty of my colleagues offer this advice as well).  Take your time, and pull out a gimmick (side story:  Speaking of gimmicks, when my band played on Wednesday, I spent about a minute half way through the concern wondering if we needed a gimmick.  We did NOT need one.  ROCK ON!).  Okay, so pull out a gimmick.  Use the altoids.  Or, use an ice cube.  Or sip some tea.  The mix between hot and cold is pretty awesome.  And you know what, I’ve heard this tip before and didn’t believe it, but I’ve had it tried on me and it works with nipples too, so I give it the CS approval.

Don’t act like your tongue is taking the place of a penis or a dildo.  It isn’t.  It is its own tool and has its own sensations.  No jabbing, stabbing, none of that shit.  And don’t do anything she doesn’t want to do.  Some girls like their ass played with.  Some girls like finger play.  Communication is huge, and if you can’t have a conversation with a girl you are fooling around with, stop thinking with your other head and move on.  There are plenty of females out there into kinky stuff they can communicate within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.  Trust me. 

Since this isn’t something I’m totally well versed in (shocking, I know), I urge my readers to leave tips on what really gets them off.  Orally…. or otherwise.  Thanks peach heads.    

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I do this religiously....

Salty Balls

So, has anyone read Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis?  If you haven’t, read it.  That book defines how my perfect week would pan out.  The main character, Michael McGill, is an unforgettable character who journeys through America to retrieve some sci-fi government document said to cause mass destruction. 

Enough about the book since I can’t review a book for shit.  The part I want to fast forward to is the portion of the book where Michael ends up learning about testicular saline injection (TSI).  I’m not exactly sure why this jumped out at me and buried itself deep in the confines of my fucked up mind, but I was hooked.

The short description of TSI is as follows:  men inject their scrotum with saline, inflating them to the size of a beach ball.  The saline then drains into the shaft causing an erection. I mean, that’s what they say happens.  I have yet to see it or even talk to someone who has tried it.  So I googled it and low and behold, there it was.  Also known as scrotal inflation, TSI is known as “extreme water play”.  Which is fine by me, but then that begs the question, what is known as regular water play?  The down and dirty research I did on the topic resulted in couples showering and golden showers.  Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary to me.  I asked around, and many were also pretty surprised to hear about TSI and the like.

If you read the book, Michael McGill has a female sidekick who could be a slightly more psycho version of me.  She was pretty into the TSI which threw me off because what could she get out of it besides a dick in for 7-hours.  Reading on, this chick actually participated and once again, my mind was blown.

Females are able to participate in this phenomenon as well.    The female version is known as outer labia saline injection and operates in the same way.  Females inject saline in their outer labia, which then drains into their clitoris.  This results in what I like to call “a glorified orgasm”.  From what I’ve read, your clitoris is so sensitive after the saline drains into it that any sensation can get you off.  AND, the recharge time is less than 0. 

I know it sounds really psychotic.  I mean who wants to inject their genitals for no reason?  But frankly, I know that some of you are reading this and will google this and get so immersed in the idea of it that you will be obsessed in trying it out.  And when you do, call me, I might give it a "shot".

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Cut or uncut...doesn't matter if you ask me. 

Blowjob Banter

Before I started having actual intercourse, I used to fool around quite a bit.  So much so that I never really thought of myself as a full on virgin, I mean frankly, there is a reason why it’s called “oral” sex.  In any event, my version of fooling around goes anywhere from oral sex to hand jobs to penetration involving anything but an actual dick. 

So speaking of oral sex, I used to be all about it.  I could lay back and enjoy it for hours, literally.  I once had a guy who could do all kinds of business with his tongue and throw in a finger or two and make it so god damn mind-blowing (damn, I miss that guy).  Nowadays, I’m not that into it.  Could be because I found the actual dick in me penetration pretty fucking amazing, or more realistically, haven’t found someone who could give me a mind-blowing eating.

Giving oral sex, on the other hand, isn’t something I either love or hate.  I do however have rules about who I give them to, and if you are lucky enough to land in my bedroom, I’ll be happy to dictate them to you.  I also suck a mean dick but that is beside the point.

Talking with my girlfriends, we all have our special techniques on what makes a dude blow the best load of his life.  I guess we all have a special tactic that makes our suck a little special than the last, but right now, I’m going to share some secrets that guarantees a guy coming back for more.

Instead of going into the biological make-up of the male penis, let’s just all come to an agreement that it is a hot bundle of nerves.  That being said, a sensation, any sensation can cause an effect.  A tight grip with your mouth will mimic the vaginal canal so well that you guy won’t ever want to penetrate you again (so be careful with that).  Also, don't try and deep throat.  You aren't Lil Kim and you don't want to be.  Instead, take in what you can and use your hand as an extension of your mouth.  Sure your hand will get all spit-covered, but you are washing your hands after, right?

But above all else, what you really want to do is pop in two wintergreen altoids before you go down.  That shit is the best sensation you can ever have (and my friends, this works both ways, fucking trust me).  It has to be wintergreen.  Don’t use that peppermint shit, it won’t work.  And believe me, have dudes fallen to my feet after this, not to mention it makes the whole process taste better.  Am I wrong?

That all being said, I find the need to express my opinion about girls who don’t give head. We live in an evolved society where blowjobs are no longer something shunned away and hidden.  In fact, I have to say that in this day and age, if you don’t give head, get over yourself.  You’re no better than those who do, and you will likely be cheated on.  It’s a society we are living in.  And again, this goes both way fellas. 

Wow.  Pushing 2 months brings out the best in me, doesn’t it?  Someone better fucking hit this.   

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Your friend stole your girl?  Not your problem, bro. 

Good Guy's Slut Fest

I have a pair of friends that are so chemically compatible it’s kind of disgusting.  If they weren’t scurrying off 70% of the time I am with them, I’d probably be able to offer some insight into their banter, but alas I don’t.  I mean, I guess the problem here is that they aren’t laying each other.  I mean, I suspect something must have happened at some point, but it seems kind of lame right now.

I think they are both just scared of ruining the friendship.  I mean I’m a good friend of each of theirs, and it’s for a reason, they are pretty fucking awesome.  They both get along with me (and frankly, if they want to invite me for a 3-way, I’d happily oblige, just throwing that out there) so I know they aren’t sleazy out for themselves (which I realize is the opposite of me, but I know that’s why they like me). 

Okay so what the hell does this have to do with me?  Really nothing.  I just needed to state that in the hopes they’ll both read this and the gods of the internet will just fucking get them together…for some fucking.  Also, you two know whom you are, so hope you are reading this and get the fucking hint. 

A quick apology to one of my followers (he knows who he is) for now moving my conversation back to myself, to my newest prospect actually since we are talking about people who are the complete opposite of me.  If you are a follower of my blog and are clued into analysis, you are privy to my type.  The cut and dry is that I like people who are on the other side of the spectrum (1 being me, 10 being the non-psycho).  Shy, conservative, treading the line of virginity. 

There’s a new guy I have recently been hanging out with who I didn’t pay any mind to frankly because it wasn’t my prerogative at the time, but being in the comfort of my hometown, I decided to have a little fun.  Fun turned to “wow, this guy is just my type”.  I think the part I like is the predictability in the situation.  I know the guy will either be a diamond in the rough or will overcompensate for his lack of experience.  In either instance, I'll get my rocks off.   I mean the cliché answer is that I like the challenge involved in corrupting the shit out of him.  But it got me thinking that there has got to be more to it than that.  

I legit propositioned the dude to come over tonight.  I doubt he will because I haven’t had a chance to sink my claws into him, but if he does swing by, be prepared for an impromptu entry later this week about the episode.  I’ll see if he’ll let me video tape it.   Just search for “Good Guy’s Slut Fest” on SpankWire RedTube, you’ll find me. 

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Emotion versus physical connection.  It matters. 

That Shy Guy, G

In lieu of the month long drought I’ve been experiencing, my sex drive has been in full swing, on the prowl looking for the next piece of ass to hit my bedroom.  Sure, I want to sex a few of my co-workers blind, but there’s never a conference room available, so I can’t do a search and destroy (a true fantasy of mine).  I digress.  A few years ago, I dated the anxious mess that was my first supervisor ever.  I don’t think I ever told you the entire story about how I bed him, so why not do it now during my lack of dick. 

So, fresh out of graduate school, and fresh out of Philadelphia, I moved to New York City, madly in lust with Christoph.  We ended up breaking up because A.  There are too many hot guys in New York City to just let go by, and B.  I’m a big time slut.  So anyway, we broke up and I asked my supervisor, G, out.  He was a 30-something social phobic doctor, and so he was definitely not into the whole “dating a co-worker” thing.

I ended up leaving that place, and funnily enough, he did too.  About a year after we met, we finally made plans to do something on my birthday.  He met me at my place and I was still getting dressed.  But, he had something else in mind, which involved me taking off my very favorite LBD.  It didn’t matter to me, I didn’t have any panties on, and he didn’t mind that.

So, I think what was really interesting was that I pegged this guy as a virgin.  I really did.  I figured that being as social phobic as he was, he’d never get his lay on.  Boy, was I wrong (I do that sometimes, surprising, I know).  He knew his way around my body, like water drops in the shower (award for best metaphor ever).

I hate playing this game where I judge guys for being tame and lame and in reality; they are badass motherfuckers, especially in bed.  Frankly, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this (if you are a regular reader).  But it’s also clear that I have a pattern.  I’m attracted to these guys that are the complete opposite of me in hopes that I’m going to turn them to the dark side, and then boom, they put it down on me better than the one before.

I have to pull in my psych background to diagnose my sub-conscious as fucking around with my conscious.  I mean, everyone says opposites attract, but god damn is that a cliché, and I hate to be defined.  I think it’s time for me right now to stop taking myself so seriously (I mean, when have I ever, but..) and admit that maybe a part of me is a cliché and I do play stupid games with myself.  But I guess that’s what therapy is for.

Thinking about all that, I think I really like playing this game, because, the truth is, it always ends in a great lay.  Speaking of great lays, I wonder what G is up to these days…. (cue searching for his number in my phone…)

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Drunken nights aren't always a great idea. 

Attention Whores (Who Aren't Me)

I fucking hate needy girls.  Like I said, about a dozen times last weekend, they are the complete opposite of everything I believe in.  I’m such neo-feministic prick that I could barely deal with the chick in the house that would be washing the dishes while the rest of us continued to party (she knows who she is, and she’s lucky she has a cute face).

I digress.  I can go into the clichéd tirade about how we live in the 21^st century and woman are on a whole new gender platform where they can offer substantial say in just about everything.  We also can do whatever our heart desires (that even includes taking testosterone injections!).

So the thing that gets me about needy females is how a. pathetic they really are, and b. how idiotic they really sound.  This shit might fly back when our parent’s generation was around, but it is NOT acceptable in this day in age.  Not in the slightest, if you ask me. 

I spent the weekend in Chicago with a bunch of assholes I now call my friends.  I didn’t get laid, but that was mostly because I only set my eyes on sleeping with Toby who was under the weather and frankly, that was not my problem.  So that left me to socialize with these people that at the time I referred to as my virtual family.  I plan on analyzing each one of them at some point.  In a nutshell, there was nothing I observed that was totally off the wall that they won’t already know, with the exception of one person, so I am finding the need to document my findings.

Let’s call her NA.  NA was nice enough.  I guess I assumed she was successful.  And frankly, she wasn’t all that terrible looking, albeit a tad chubby.  I guess she got along with everyone in our house, so I kept my judgments about her to myself (as I did all the judgments I made about you assholes).  The problem I had with NA was that she is the complete opposite of what I live and believe in.   

If you know me at all, I have idealistic views on how women should act based on the biology we are made up of.  There’s so much more to that, I don’t even have the time to dwell on myself (shocker I know).  NA is the complete opposite of this.  She seriously is living in a fantasy world (perhaps the 1930s) where men court women in the most respectful manner in the hopes of getting married one day. 

Okay.  So I come to find out that NA was trying to set up dates/dinners/drinks for the whole time she was out there.  I can’t knock her game.  That’s certainly something I would do (had Toby not been in the picture, and had I been in dire need of getting some dick in me).  Okay so whatever, she wanted to get her shit on.  You go girl, do what you got to do.  It was clear she was just trying to get a free meal but hey, I’ll try and look past that as well.  The girl will go out on a date, till 4am, not give it up, and wonder why the guy gets mad when she doesn’t bring him back.  Bro…

Not to mention, the girls titties were all out the entire time we were at the house.  Fine.  I mean my A-cup tits were all out too, hell I flashed the house at some point (and I was pretty sober, which figures).  The problem with her tits being all out was that she didn’t even own up to it.  In fact, she would get offended when someone would point at the fact that her tits were all out.  Bro, your tits are out, you are trying to fucking fish in a dude, don’t even try to deny it.  Your ass is just trying to get attention, but only from dudes that just want to get their DICK IN YOU!

I think the bottom line was that this girl, NA, is just not self-aware.  She is a 30-something pathetic female trying to get married.  And the worst part is, that she is so high maintenance, whiney, and attention seeking, that no one is going to give her the time of day.  And I wish I could say that I feel bad, but I can’t stand females who don’t know how to act…at 30.

I think she is a great example of a female being evolutionarily weeded out.  She draws men in with the pseudo-promise of a coital act (tits all out), and then she denies the guy because she is looking for something more.  Men are NOT going to stick around if there is the hope of getting laid and boom you lose.  Ladies, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t show your tits off.  Like I said, my tits are always out, but I’m also not expecting to draw in a marriage-material guy, right?   Gold-digging your way into a guy’s heart is not conducive to a long-term (evolutionarily sound) relationship.  Fucking trust me.  Desperation is something that just about anyone can pick up on even if it’s subconsciously.  If you are desperate, you have to tread really carefully around the potential mates you are trying to attract, because they will pick up on it out and you will lose. 

While on my trip, I avoided NA like the plague.  I guess that’s why I didn’t get sick, but I also didn’t get any dick.  I blame her for that curse. 

Dedicated to my Chicago assholes.  And Toby.